For mothers

My wish for mothers, as each wants and needs: Rest, peace, reunion, joy, strength, and justice.

Thinking of you all.

Added later: Please read Cassi's post on "birthmothers' day. She asks us to imagine if a special day were set aside to celebrate adoptive mothers, rather than a day for the women who bore our children. It will give you a taste of what it must feel like to be dismissed and relegated to the fringes of your own child's life. Read and think.

Very belated thank-you for a Beautiful Blogger Award

Back in March - yes, March, fortunately of this year - Cavatica, a lovely blogger and someone who has had the guts to keep reading here while I've been working through my employment and adoption demons, gave me the honor of being mentioned in her list of Beautiful Bloggers. It's entirely undeserved, given the number of pure rants you can find here. And it's completely appreciated.

The rules are:

1. Pass it on to 15 more Beautiful Bloggers.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.

Today I'm taking a break from adoption blogging to thank the following people whose blogs give me a break from adoption-land. Some are adoptees, first parents, adoptive parents, but these blogs don't focus on it. Others have no connection to adoption at all.

Enjoy! And Cavatica, thank you, and forgive me for the delay!

The Chucklehut - Dan's writing is how I want to write when I grow up. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile. I love this blog!

River, Blood and Corn - Terra Trevor (whom you also know from In Writing Motherhood and her book Pushing up the Sky) edits this wonderful blog, which features writings by Terra and guests.

Evolution - Unique in every way. You guess who it belongs to. I'm not linking to the author's identity yet, but will when this blog's equally unique owner says it's OK.

Sheltersky - Kyungmee's photo blog is loaded with her amazing photography, which combines real and dreamed into unique results.

Musings - Musings is one of Yoli's blogs, and you can rely on it to pique your interest and your conscience.

My Exurbia - Grace shares photos of her world here, but they're anything but everyday.

a wrung sponge - Andi's poetry is the perfect respite from a crazy world

Green Fertility - My infertility days are long behind me, but there's a lot more than fertility on this blog by Marie Myung-Ok Lee.

SToNZ - Susan's blog is a wonderful amalgam of pictures of her incredible jewelry (which I love), info about the latest events in my home town (Cleveland), and snippets from her life (like Grandma Belle's stuffed cabbage recipe). Love it!

atlantic beachlife - Jeannie is "a northern girl who doesn't miss winters loves beachlife in Atlantic Beach, Florida." Love the beach - love the blog!

Busboys And Poets - From the Busboys and Poets website: "Busboys and Poets is a restaurant, bookstore, fair trade market and gathering place where people can discuss issues of social justice and peace." Who wouldn't love a blog from a place like that?

Quiskaeya - A brand-new find. Mom in a multi-racial family who writes about her experiences, and much more.

Kiss My Kimchi - Korean culture with an edge.

Life in Seoul - Wish I was there.

Wu Feng Road - Jeanne-Ming paints portraits of her friends and neighbors from Taiwan so she won't forget their faces.

And now, seven things about me:

1. I'm horribly insecure. Horribly. I crave confirmation that I'm not a complete idiot, but so far the jury's out.
2. I speak fluent German.
3. I'm a logical, linear thinker, the worst kind of person to be blogging, I think. But what can you do?
4. I have no artistic ability whatsoever, except for a little musical talent that manifested itself in piano-playing as a kid and tap-dancing as an adult.
5. I hate bugs.
6. I cannot open a bag of chips without eating most, if not all of it. We do not buy chips in large bags anymore for that reason. Ditto cookies, I just don't buy them at all.
7. I wouldn't trade my life for a million bucks.

Top 10 Myths about Immigration

With thanks to Jen of attemptedmother, an article we all need to print and keep in our wallets so we're ready to rebutt statements to the contrary: Top 10 Myths About Immigration. Thanks for the tip, Jen!

A little more about North Korean orphan adoption

Perhaps less about the actual issue, and instead an observation about the online adoption community's approach to criticism of the bill.

First, I want to make this clear:

• I do not support HR 4896 and S 3156 as they stand - it's there and has been in this post.
• I do not support the opening of an adoption program in North Korea (if such a thing is even possible, which I highly doubt) or of the inclusion of children of North Korean origin in China adoption programs.
• I do support the possibility of adoption for some of the stateless children of North Korean origin in China.

For awhile now, I've been trying to understand if there is anything that can be done to bring the polar extremes in the adoption community together around a particular issue. To date, the result is a decided "no stinking way." I think there are a lots of reasons for that: if you or your child has been hurt by adoption, you will look at it through that prism; people (myself included - remember, I'm criticising my own behavior here) don't always understand the complexity of an issue; they're ideologues; or they're followers.

The release of the North Korean orphan adoption legislation has pushed this growing concern to the front of my radar screen. Normally, I would throw my negative opinion about the legislation's language out there and think I'd done my good deed for the day. But because of what I now know about North Korea and North Korean refugees, all I can see in the dismissals of this bill is a dismissal of the North Korean kids in China who are looking to the world for help.

I think we can do better. I honestly believe appropriate criticism of this bill, provided with suggestions for improvement, could lead us to legislation that helps the children who need help while avoiding the establishment of yet another demand-driven adoption program. But we need to offer some thoughts on that. We need to help the adoption-ignorant get a whole lot smarter than they are.

I know I've gotten caught up in those moments of criticism, when an obvious injustice or risk just takes over my brain, and words to that effect flow like water. I wonder how much damage I've done to adoption reform with that. Going forward I'm going to make sure that when I criticize, I include the improvements, too. You guys can keep me honest.

I'll start with this bill, but need to wait for the weekend for that.

The North Korean Refugee Adoption Act of 2010

I actually left this as a comment at another blog, but went back and deleted it because it was clearly more of a post.

You may have seen some posting recently about HR 4896: The North Korean Refugee Act of 2010 (known by the same name in the Senate as S 3156).

Before the bill was introduced in the House, I had the opportunity to communicate Hannah Song of Liberty in North Korea (LiNK) and Elliot Lee of the Campaign for North Korean Orphans. Their organizations are promoting some type of legislation to make it possible for stateless refugeed North Korean orphans to be adopted in the U.S. I raised my concerns to both that any bill to support such adoptions should pay close attention to the problems with intercountry adoption generally, and with adoption from South Korea in particular. I also shared my view that the bill needed to pay attention to preserving families.

I was disappointed when I read the text of the bill, because it opens the door wide to the same kinds of adoptive parent centric supply-and-demand program that characterizes just about all intercountry adoption programs. I cannot support it as it is, but it really disappoints me to see how many people are turning their backs on the people this bill was intended to help: children, mostly older, who are truly stateless and without family, facing a horrible future on the run in China or worse, returned to North Korea. Not a single serious critique of the bill that I have read has suggested that these people deserve better.

I find the fact that the bill speaks to adoption of children from within North Korea a real head-scratcher, because I'm pretty sure Kim Jung Il won't be opening his arms to any South Korean or American intercountry adoption agencies any time soon. I honestly don't know what Ed Royce had in mind with that. However, it's clear from LiNK's web page on this issue that LiNK's goal is support for orphaned North Korean and stateless children from North Korea in China. (And yes, I suggested LiNK lose the name "Safe Haven Shelters.")

Of the North Korean refugees who are hiding or have come through China, the majority are women and over 70 percent are trafficked or voluntarily marry Chinese men. Some of these women, however, leave their families for fear of being caught and sent back to North Korea or to escape abuse. Once the mothers leave, the fathers often find themselves struggling or unable to provide for their children, leaving them to be cared for by relatives or altogether abandoned.

Both orphaned North Korean and stateless children in the underground in China lack documentation that allow them to receive education, work legally or have basic rights. For North Korean children, seeking asylum in South Korea or the US is an option. However, without appropriate documentation, they cannot be eligible for adoption in the US – only foster care. US law requires documentation that their parents have in fact abandoned them or have passed away. Providing such evidence is impossible for these children. They cannot simply request official documents from the nearest North Korean consulate or contact family in North Korea for assistance. For stateless children who have no citizenship, no rights and no future - they are forgotten in China.

The Campaign for North Korean Orphans describes these children's statelessness in legal terms here. And again, their focus is on stateless and orphaned North Korean children in China.

Now that the bill is out, I've written again to Hannah Song and Elliot Lee, and have expressed my concern about the language in this bill, particularly the fact that it suggests children IN North Korea will be considered for adoption; I will be writing the same to my legislators. Although I can't support the bill as it now stands, neither can I dismiss the truly horrible situation refugeed North Korean children are in. I sincerely hope others will consider this while they voice their valid concerns about the legislation.

For more information, I suggest LiNK's website, One Free Korea, the North Korea International Documentation Project and The Aquariums of Pyongyang.

Adding as an aside: The reaction I see in the adoption community toward this bill is a good example of the personal conflict I find myself in regarding online adoption dialog: there's no opportunity to talk to all angles in a single forum. Maybe because this particular cause is one I know a little about from personal support of LiNK and involvement with a (sadly failed) attempt to start a national organization for North Korean issues, I have heard and read more than most about the situation there and in China. It can't be compared to other refugee situations in which people flee en masse to camps; it is a situation in which even very young children are left to fend for themselves alone in the Chinese underground. When families can be kept together, we should make that happen, and LiNK does. But when that possibility is dead, we should offer the children a better future than the one facing them. I imagine myself meeting such a child and asking them what they want for their future: Life with their Korean family would certainly be at the top of the list, but if that family is gone, I bet they would much rather find comfort in another family than life forever underground.

Also adding: A commenter just pointed out that there's a rumor out there that orphaned North Korean refugees may be entering China adoption programs. Certainly seems to be possible, and is something I'd like to know more about. Has anyone else heard this, and where?

Six word memoir of Mom

Grown in My Heart (gosh I wish you guys would change your name already!) is holding a blog carnival in honor of Mother's Day. The details are there, but you basically post a picture of your mother (the one you most refer to as a mom), caption it with a six-word memoir, link back to GIMH at their site. I couldn't pass up this opportunity to share my Mom with everyone.

Foundation on which I am built

Mom will turn 87 this year. She is sharp as a tack, engaged in life more than most people half her age. And she's my best friend.

"The Expensive Birthmother"

I really don't like this article: The Expensive Birthmother

I don't like it for a lot of reasons that I think you'll figure out when you read it. But most of all I don't like it because of this:

The agency, Adoption By Choice (ABC), currently is working with a birthmother who has not yet found adoptive parents for her baby. Dr. Shephard is providing prenatal care to this birthmother, and he gave my mom the phone number for ABC Agency.

The author, a prospective adoptive parent, clearly sees the mother of her future child as as different kind of woman and mother. She has her own special category. She's and "other."

The motives of the author are, in my opinion, appropriate. She understands the connection between support expenses and fraud, but she's missing a key point, I think, which is that pretty much any pre-natal support can lead to fraud, even when it's within "published guidelines," whatever the heck they may be.

I also think she's missing the deeper story about the mother-in-question's situation. It's possible that this woman is trying to game the adoption system. I don't believe that's a common occurrence, but I believe it's possible and happens. But do I believe that women actually think frequent pregnancy and placement of a child for adoption is a way to make a living? No, I don't. And it bothers me that this article gives that impression. I suspect that this woman has layers of issues going on, and her decision to place this child and the others she has placed is tangled up in all of them.

This article says a lot to me about what's wrong with adoption. The author thinks by deciding not to pursue this particular adoption, she's taking the moral high road. She says it makes her feel like she would be buying a baby. But all of us who have paid fees to adopt our children contribute to that potential. It is inherent in the current adoption process, which makes each and every one of us responsible for calling it out when we see the potential.

The author of this article did that, which is good. But she didn't acknowledge that inherent risk, which leads her readers to the conclusion that paying for pre-natal expenses is OK. I personally think if we could eliminate that from the adoption process, ethical adoption would become possible a whole lot faster.

How to be the perfect parent

If there's a theme to the emails I get from fellow adoptive parents, it's how to be a good adoptive parent. The specifics may differ, but the goal is always the same. People want to know what to do to be the very best parent for their child.

All you have to do is count the number of parenting blogs to see how many parents come to the internet to find advice on this. There's been a bit of discussion on this in adoption blogland recently, about the number of adoptive parents following blogs that paint an incessantly happy picture of adoptive parenting. It doesn't surprise me at all, actually. The internet makes it possible for us to seek out the advice we want, rather than the advice we need. People are likely to gravitate to the kind that fills that need.

But no life is perfect, and I sincerely doubt if the lives of the "happy bloggers" are as problem-free as their blogs would lead you to believe. Everyone faces hard times, and the real test of parenting is how you face them. So if you're getting your parenting advice from the internet, especially from sources that paint a similar picture or offer similar advice for every problem, you need to step away pretty frequently and take the pulse of the here-and-now. Ultimately, we have to make parenting decisions on our own. If we rely too much on the advice of others, we may very well miss the solution that's best for our child.

Now that our nest is pretty much empty, I can reflect a little on my own parenting style, and if it was the best for my kids. Gosh knows when I look back at some of the things I and Third Dad did along the way, I shake my head. Some I would change, and some I wouldn't - and some remain challenges today. Even with the nest empty, I'm still learning how to be a better parent than I was, and I'll probably keep learning until the day I die.

The point that you don't have to be a perfect parent to raise solid kids. You do, however, have to give them your heart, entirely. When you do that, you'll learn - from them, an no one else - what they most need to survive and thrive in the world. Each child will tell you something else, each will demand a different kind of love. The ultimate task for parents is to figure out exactly what kind of love each of our children needs, and give it without hesitation or measure.

Even then, the title "perfect parent" is likely to allude you, because there is really no such thing. Just listen to your children, respect them and their individual needs, and be their parent, all the time and through every joy and challenge. This, more than any particular parenting style or method, should be the aspiration of everyone who wants to be the best parent they can.