Third Mom

Jane Jeong Trenka responds to Voice of Love

2012-01-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago I shared my reaction to the Voice of Love campaign that recently kicked off under the direction of Pastor Eddie Byun of the Onnuri English Ministry in Seoul. Several of you left comments on that post and yesterday's - thank you! I'd like to call two of them out here, and will be writing a little more on this subject over the weekend in response to the others.

The first I'd like to note from the Voice of Love post was from Sue G, who articulated something really important:

I hate liberalism that says do not judge culturally relative mores which cause human suffering. We have to draw the lines. We have to cry foul where we see it, in our own cultures and in others too. We just have to or there is no hope.

Adoption isn't the only place we see this, we see it all the time in our country's relationships with other nations that condone human rights. I believe Korea has the right to determine her own policies, and have been willing to see where that effort goes. But it has become clearer and clearer to me that Korea's adoption policies discriminate against unmarried mothers, the children of unmarried mothers, handicapped people and mixed race people. Additionally, by sending its children to my country, Korea makes these issues my business. It's time for adoptive parents to cry foul, and stop letting their gratitude for their children get in the way of right thinking.

The second is from Jane Jeong Trenka, one of the most dedicated adoption reformers on the planet. You will know her from her books The Language of Blood and Fugitive Visions: An Adoptee's Return to Korea, her contributions to Outsiders Within: Writings on Transracial Adoption and other publications, and from her activism with TRACK. Janes's comment provides important feedback about some of the information delivered by the Voice of Love campaign, as well as some of the clearest direction to adoptive parents, especially prospective adoptive parents, on what we can to to change the status quo. I quote it as Jane delivered it, apart from formatting adjustments and the addition of the text of Article 21 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child.

* * * * * * *

Of those "20,000" "orphans" that that this initiative is talking about, most are older children who've been left in orphanages because of economic hardship or after the divorce of parents.

In late December, MPAK (an organization that promotes the adoption of Korean children to ethnic Koreans in the US and Korea) helped change a law that they have been working on for 15 years that automatically cuts the parental rights of parents who have not parented their children for three years.

The law will not go into effect until next year, so those "20,000" are not even "adoptable" yet.

Moreover, those "20,000" are mostly older children, and as we know, the children of unwed mothers are hot commodities because they are young. So I don't think that most foreign adopters want these orphanage kids anyway. They are school-age kids, up to 18 years old, who are walking around fully speaking Korean and who are culturally fully Korean every day of the week, not just on culture camp day!

These two populations of unwed mothers babies and unwed mothers' babies need to be considered separately. There are some unwed mothers' babies currently in orphanages, but their numbers are far fewer than 20,000.

Instead of working for 15 years to "free" "orphans" for adoption, people should have been working harder for 15 years to encourage FAMILY REUNIFICATION and support for people in economic difficulty, as well as public campaigns for the acceptance of divorced and unwed mothers and blended families (where divorced and remarried people raise their children together). That would be better than the situation where the woman has to get rid of her kids so she can remarry some pigheaded guy who doesn't accept her kids from her previous marriage. She has to marry him because she is economically dependent on men -- she has been dismissed from the workplace for childbearing and has been out of the workforce for years, and can no longer get a job with a living wage and therefore has to attach herself to a wage earner to ensure her own survival, and puts her kids in the orphanage to ensure theirs.

As you see here, orphanages get about $1,000 in govt support per month per child, whereas an unwed mother gets $50 in govt support. It is an upside-down and backwards prioritization. The child's human right is to be kept with his/her mother.

Orphanage directors are happy to get children because they get more money. They have an incentive to take children easily and keep them there in order to maintain a full orphanage and full funding.

In addition, the child support laws are not enforced by the state. Instead, the custodial parent is supposed to duke it out privately with the other parent and make them pay. Needless to say, that system does not work and subjects mothers to more trauma.

Instead of funding and condoning these practices, we need:

1. Better enforcement of deadbeat dad laws.

2. Gov't support for unwed moms/ single parents

3. Orphanages should actively pursue family reunification. Pick up the phone; use the same police family search that adoptees and every other Korean uses when they cannot trace a family member.

PAPs who have the money and therefore the power can be proactive and say:

We are not going to adopt from Korea until you remove reservations to Article 21 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, which Korea willingly signed. Do they intend to come into full compliance or not? It has been over 20 years since they signed.

Added by TM: Jane just alerted me that it's Article 21a, to be precise, that Korea has reservations about. Text follows:

States Parties that recognize and/or permit the system of adoption shall ensure that the best interests of the child shall be the paramount consideration and they shall:
(a) Ensure that the adoption of a child is authorized only by competent authorities who determine, in accordance with applicable law and procedures and on the basis of all pertinent and reliable information, that the adoption is permissible in view of the child's status concerning parents, relatives and legal guardians and that, if required, the persons concerned have given their informed consent to the adoption on the basis of such counselling as may be necessary;

We are not going to adopt from Korea until you sign the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption and the adoption meets the standards of international law.

We are not going to adopt from Korea until you improve women's rights.

Sisters need their own money! Korea ranks consistently at the bottom of the barrel in labor force participation, wage equality, and earned income.

We are not going to adopt from Korea until you show us that you are acting in the best rights of the child by following the internationally recognized principle of subsidiarity: family preservation first, domestic adoption second, int'l adoption third. Walk the talk and put the budget there.

We are not going to adopt from Korea until you stop abusing the category of "handicapped" by including mixed-race and premature babies in that category.

We are not going to adopt from Korea until you make a concerted effort to develop systems for handicapped children to be supported by their own families.

We are not going to adopt from Korea until you create transparent practices and enforce it on the Korean side.

Don't be naive Westerners and think that what is on the paper is real! It is just what someone wrote down. There is a big difference.

How many moms have I met who were counseled to give up their kids for intl adoption SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE they thought it would then be an open adoption? A LOT. How many cases have I heard where the father of the baby was not notified that his baby was going for adoption? A LOT. Doesn't the father have at least the right to know?

We are not going to adopt from Korea until loopholes in the U.S. laws are closed that have left some adoptees without U.S. citizenship.

That is real solidarity with the same demographic that your adopted kids will belong to.

We are not going to adopt from Korea until we know for certain that birthfamily can be contacted in case our adopted child needs a bone marrow transplant or any information regarding medical problems now or in the future.

That means you know for sure that both parents can be contacted and the child was not relinquished under a fake name. In order to find Koreans in Korea, you just need their name and citizen ID number. The first 6 digits are the digits of their birthdate. (for ex. mine is 720308, meaning March 8 1972).

As a recent YouTube animation I saw said, "My mother has the same right to privacy as anyone else. Relinquishing a child did not enroll her in the witness protection program."

We are not going to adopt from Korea until we can feel completely OK about it, instead of kind of troubled and a little robbed and manipulated.

Intercountry adoption according to me

2012-01-26T11:44:00.000-08:00

I want to talk to the adoptive parents in the house who are struggling with the debate over intercountry adoption. I’m not excluding adopted people and first parents here, but believe that what I have to say on this topic will resonate less, if at all, with you.

If you are the parent of an internationally-adopted child, you undoubtedly love that child so much and care for him or her so tenderly that you cannot imagine why someone would want to deny another child the same, especially if you believe that the only alternative is life in an institution. You see how good intercountry adoption can be, and believe it is the very best we can offer to children in need, here and around the world.

But maybe, like my family, you’ve experienced shoddy adoption practices or even adoption corruption first hand, and it makes you so mad you want to spit, even if your child made it through the experience unbroken. If you haven't, you might be sick of adoption for profit, first parent coercion, trafficking, lack of legal protection for intercountry adoptees, adoptive parent entitlement and apathy, or something else.

I live with both of these conflicting thoughts in my head, all the time. Some days I tell myself that the only thing that matters is that a family is found for every child, no matter what it takes. But seldom does that thought linger for long, because I immediately remember that there are reasons those children need families, and that I as an adoptive parent have a responsibility to put those things right

If adoptive parents only speak to the need for families for children, but never the reasons why, we become part of a greater problem, and feed the debate and polarization. I want to be able to honestly promote adoption, but have to know we're on the road to making the following a reality before I can:

Adoption is always practiced lawfully, justly and with respect for the rights and voices of the people it separates.
Adoption is always practiced lawfully, justly and with respect for the laws and cultures of the placing country.
Adoptive parents understand and practice responsibility to their children's ethnic heritage, genetic connections and legal protections.
For-profit adoption is outlawed.
Laws exist to protect the human and civil rights of first parents and adopted individuals, and they are not excluded from rights enjoyed by the general public (think protection from family separation, adoptee access to original birth certificates, and intercountry adoptee citizenship).
All placing and receiving countries ratify the Hague Adoption Convention.
Adoption is recognized and accepted as valid care for children when no other option exists, never as a solution to unwanted pregnancy or alternative to abortion. Each of these deserves attention independent of the others.

It's dead easy to sit down at your PC and film 30 seconds of adoption praise. The real work lies in making the list above (which is mine alone, and doesn't reflect everything that needs to be done) a reality.

How?

Speak out on these issues, online and in your real-life adoption communities. Share information that promotes dialog and reasoned discussion. Contact your legislators about laws that discriminate against adoptees and first parents. Work with other adoptive families to support your children's cultural and community connections. Fight racism. Don't jump on every pro- or anti-adoption bandwagon that rolls by - think critically about what they stand for, especially whether or not they are fighting root causes of adoption. Support organizations that fight those root causes: adoptee- and first-parent led organizations, organizations that offer support to families and unmarried mothers, or organizations that fight for legislative reform. Stop using your own or others' positive or negative experiences with adoption to promote one position or another; there's good and bad, accept it, and act accordingly. And never, ever claim the adoption experience as your own; never speak for any adopted person or first parent, or pretend to know what they as individuals or a community think or feel.

Can't do all of this? Who can? Just do one, pick one that you believe you can really do some work on and go for it.

The net of it is to step away from the notion that adoption is all good, accept what's broken, and then do something about it. I think that's the best possible way any adoptive parent can promote adoption without doing more damage than good.

Voice of Love or Love Misled?

2012-01-25T11:49:00.000-08:00

It’s all over the internet, particularly the online Korean adoption community: a new campaign urging the Korean government to change its current plan to continue to reduce intercountry adoptions each year until 2016, at which point they will end.

Called Voice of Love, the campaign is led by Onnuri English Ministry pastor Eddie Byun, who is based in Seoul, and Hope for Orphans leader Paul Pennington. The campaign is seeking 30-second videos “describing how Korean adoption has blessed your life,” which the campaign will post on its site to deliver a message to the Korean government that intercountry adoptions should continue.

I’m an adoptive parent, and it is absolutely true that my life has been blessed beyond belief through the adoption of my kids, both of whom are Korean. Life without Sweet Pea and Big Guy? Does not compute, simply does not compute.

I know that had they grown up in a Korean orphanage, it is possible that they would have been denied the educations that are giving them the opportunity to craft solid lives, and that their career choices would have been very limited. Korea isn’t always kind to people who grew up without families and lack a hojeok that makes their lineage clear. I wouldn’t wish that on any child.

So why would I withhold my support for this campaign? Because it is misleading. First of all, the magic word popped up in Paul Pennington’s comments – orphan – which simply does not apply in the context of Korean adoption. The vast majority of people adopted from Korean in recent years, certainly since the 70s, aren’t orphans at all. They are the children of unmarried women or of families who found themselves unable or unwilling to care for them for any number of reasons, poverty being at the top of the list.

The reason there are so many children in orphanages in Korea today is because Korean society rejects and discriminates against unmarried women and their children and does not provide sufficient social support for families in need. If these attitudes were to change, a couple of things would happen more frequently than they’re happening today: unmarried mothers who want to parent would be able to find work without fear of job loss if their single mother status is revealed (as this single mother's testimony demonstrates), and more Koreans in Korea would adopt.

I hate the thought of Korean children growing up in orphanages, because I see my own kids in their faces; it is heartbreaking. I’m therefore no longer going to shy away from the criticism that needs to be made very clear to Koreans in Korea and right here in the U.S.: your attitudes about bloodline simply have to change. Confucianism and lengthy history of family homogeneity are no excuse for the discrimination and downright ugliness that is often directed at mixed race Koreans, unmarried mothers and their children. It is wrong, and you need to change it.

I do not judge the good intentions or good heart of Pastor Byun. But I am saddened that he is using his pulpit, which is clearly supported by a considerable following and considerable resources, to perpetuate the status quo. Adoption from Korea is far more complex than any 30-second video could convey. I’m pretty sure that this campaign will have little effect on the Korean government, but will instead serve to further polarize the already polarized Korean adoption community.

I for one have had enough polarized debate to last a lifetime. I’m ready for change, and urge Pastor Byun and everyone promoting adoption from Korea to direct your energy to the real work: changing discriminatory Korean attitudes toward single mothers, their children and domestic adoption, and improving social services for families in need.

For an adopted person's perspective, read this excellent post by Joy Lieberthal.

Coming Home

2012-01-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

I'm coming home - let the eyes roll.

I tried an angry blog, and it didn't work. Anger just begot anger, and it didn't get me where I wanted to go, which is to some actual change.

I tried a calm blog, and it didn't work. I really do want to be calmer about things, but I just couldn't reconcile it with what I see happening in adoption.

This really is it. Really. Probably, anyway.

Gosh, I missed Naksansa!

Good-bye, Judy

2011-12-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

The world lost an incredible woman yesterday. Judy lost her battle with inflammatory breast cancer.

When I met Judy four years ago she was at the start of her battle with this horrible, awful disease. I went back to her posts from that time and find them to be so honest as to bring me to tears. She was scared, for herself, her son and her husband, but also willing to look that fear straight in the eyes and challenge it. She came out of her diagnosis swinging, and never stopped, not for one second.

When I think of the people she has helped by writing about IBC and sharing her experience, I am awestruck. Judy leaves an enormous legacy, one that has helped and will continue to help many facing the very same fight. I've been reading the comments on her Facebook page and blog, and find no small number saying they're glad Judy is at peace now. I agree, but with a caveat.

I'm not glad that Judy has to be at peace. I'm angry that cancer claims so many lives, and that some cancers seem to elude our ability to find a cure. I'm angry that a mother has had to leave a young boy behind. I'm angry that a couple who loved each other are now separated by death.

Judy, you deserved so many more years. You hoped for them, but always accepted God's will for you. Honestly, I'd like to have a word with God right now, but I'm going to follow your wise and wonderful example and humbly accept His decision.

Even if I'm mad and sad as hell that you are gone.

I met Judy in a mall in northeast Ohio during the holidays in 2008. She delivered her devilish wit with sparkling eyes, a ready smile and an infectious laugh. We laughed a lot that day, in spite of the fact that Judy had just learned she was facing the battle of her life. It was just four years ago, and it breaks my heart to think at how fast those years have gone by and how hard they were on Judy.

Judy's writing on adoption is what first drew me to her. It taught me that it's possible to accept adoption's paradoxes, including the joy of family, without disrespecting the pain of those it has hurt. She loved her son fiercely, but never lost sight of his losses or those of his first family. Her heart embraced the entire adoption experience, and her kindness offered many a haven from the harshness the world dishes out to those who suffer from it. I encourage - no, I urge - those of you who didn't know Judy to visit Just Enjoy Him and read her adoption posts.

I understood, but missed Judy's adoption writing when she turned her attention to the more pressing matter of her health. That, however, led her to share her faith with us, and it was a marvelous thing indeed. I admired her immensely for her ability to say out loud that she believed in God and trusted Him to do right by her. Judy's faith gave her peace - you could see it. I know it will sustain those she leaves behind, especially EB and AMP, through the grief and sorrow ahead. I add my prayers to the ones Judy offered so frequently, and send my sympathy to everyone in Judy's family.

On her blog, Judy called herself a seeker, on a journey. She may not be journeying through our hard little world anymore, but there is no doubt in my mind that she journeys still.

Go in peace, Judy. Komapseumnida - thank you - for all you gave us here on earth. I know the God you love has welcomed you with open arms and is returning your generosity a thousand fold.

* * * * *

More tributes to Judy - please let me know of others so I can add them to the list:

Andi's "Just Enjoy Him" she said, and she did

Suz's Rest in peace, darling Judy

Jenna's Thank you, Judy

Marley's Judy Ohles Kooistra - RIP
Mothers with Cancer's Until we meet again
Get Out Gertrude's Goodbye Judy

Mary Beth's Another Good-bye

Moving On

2011-01-17T14:32:00.000-08:00

After a blissfully blog-free holiday, I have come to the decision that I'm really a much happier person away from the online world then a part of it. I've therefore decided to retire Third Mom.

I've really said everything I can possibly say about my adoptive parenting experience, and I'm increasingly uncomfortable about invading my kids' privacy by writing about them in any way, which writing about parenting must do. This more than anything makes it time to go - from here, anyway.
I owe a debt of thanks to so many people for their support these past five years, and couldn't possibly name them all. I will name three, however, who lead the list in many, many ways.

Claudia. One of the first to leave a comment here, Claudia opened my eyes to the experience of adoption loss. You came to KAAN and opened even more eyes there. Your energy and individualism are inspiring, plus you're just so much fun to be around. Thank you for being YOU!

Suz. Suz, you have absolutely no idea how much I have learned from you, how much I have enjoyed your company as we worked together on our AAC session and on other occasions. Your mind never ceases to amaze me - you are one incredibly intelligent woman. Thank you for your wisdom and friendship.

Julia. Julia, it has been almost three years since we lost you, and I still think of you nearly every day. Your spirit, more than anything else, draws me away from this crazy online world. In spite of everything you suffered, you were never judgmental, but instead brought peace to everyone who knew you. You did that with an unwavering commitment to justice. I want to find a peace like that, one that's rooted in justice. I miss you, Julia, and will be forever grateful that I knew you.

I have had a love-hate relationship with blogging, but one really good thing has come from it: the friends - real life friends now - that I've made. I hope to keep up with you all in other venues.

Many thanks to everyone who has read here. All the best in life to you all!

Improving government services for unmarried mothers in Korea

2010-11-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

With many thanks to Jane and TRACK, I pass on a new report from KWDI (Korean Women's Development Institute) and KUMSN (Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network).

How to Improve Govt Welfare Services for Low-Income Unwed Mothers in Korea

Executive Summary

Full Report

I've got some reading to do!

“Adoption processing” and adoptive parenting

2010-11-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

Von asked, and I’m also interested, in what "adoptees have to process adoption in some awful, painful way in order to be healthy” (seen in a forum comment) actually means.

For the record, I will tell you a little about my mental and physical approach adoption and parenting. We are just one family, and our kids are unique individuals. Their needs differ from your kids’ needs, so don’t presume that my approach could work for you. But overall it has worked for us.

We treat adoption as a fact of our children’s lives, not as God’s plan: Our family views God’s plan as what you do with your life, not what life has done to you. We do not sugar-coat the circumstances of our children’s adoptions. We neither speak of their mothers and fathers as victims nor ourselves as saviors. Adoption is simply a part of our children and their lives, and we deal with it in that way.

We speak of our children’s Korean families in the present tense: My children’s mothers, fathers, siblings and extended families are part of ours, in spite of the fact that they’re in Korea and we have never met them. We have no family ceremonies to honor them (I know, for example, that some adoptive families may remember their children’s first parents in special ways on Mother’s Day), we just talk about them in the same way we talk about the relatives they know. I’m not sure if this is actually a good thing or not, but my gut tells me it is, so I share it with you. Certainly it has helped our kids keep their first families present in their lives.

Adoption is and always has been an open subject in our family: It is not, however, a frequent subject, nor one that the kids sought out much. (In The Boy’s case that would be “ever.”) We have not made lifebooks for our kids. We do not discuss life’s events in terms of adoption. Frankly, we don’t really talk about adoption much at all. It’s just a part of who we are, and all of it is open for discussion.

We use the “pebble” approach to encouraging adoption conversation: Instead of forcing discussion of adoption, from time to time (I’m talking a few times a year here) we toss out adoption-related questions to see if the kids would like to talk about it. These have not been of the I wonder what your mother in Korea is thinking about you right now variety, but more along the lines of Have you been thinking about your Korean family lately? Do any of your friends ever ask you about adoption? Sometimes they bite, sometimes they don’t.

We take advantage of adoption support in our area: We are fortunate to have several decent adoption agencies and adoption support organizations in our area with adoptee programs. I made sure we were plugged into their networks, and we occasionally (but not frequently) attended their events. The kids both were pretty clear that they weren’t interested in adoption-specific activities that had no Korean connection, so we didn’t go to many programs of this kind. One I am glad we attended was the C.A.S.E.’s WiseUp class, which helped the kids learn ways they could control how to respond to questions. Invaluable.

We make Korean American and Korean adoption community connections: Korean Focus and KAAN have played an important role in creating a strong community for my kids, and in their ability to develop strong Korean American and adoptee identities. Even when they themselves chose not to join in, I continued and still am involved. Now, and in different ways, the kids are coming into their own in the adoption, Korean American and Korean adoption communities. It’s really good to see.

We acknowledge the existence of racism and work to end it: I don’t believe in the notion of color-blindness. I do believe in white privilege, and also believe that racism is alive and well. Part of my parenting job has been to make sure my kids see that I understand this, so they recognize they are living in a home that doesn’t tolerate racism of any sort. We call it out when we see it and take action against it.

We acknowledge the existence of adoptism and work to end it: I define adoptism as anything that challenges the equality of my children or their place in our family, their original families or society. From tasteless jokes about adoptees, to original birth certificate secrecy laws, to policies that push single parents to adoption – these all factor into adoptism. Just as I see it as my job to actively work to end racism, I see it as my job to actively work to stop the injustices that are part of adoption.

I paid considerable attention to how adoption might come up at school: Adoption will come up at school in good ways and bad, whether we like it or not. I took a two-pronged approach to keeping on top of this.

First, while the kids were in elementary school, I would put a package of adoption information together for their teachers. It included a couple of very short booklets about adoption, annotated with a little information about our family’s attitudes toward the topics discussed. I did NOT include any information about our children’s adoptions or their first families. The information was intended to a) clue the teacher in that adoption was a part of our children’s lives, and b) help them understand how they might impact our kids as they taught (think projects, and sexual and family life education).

Second, we made the kids aware of the fact that they might hear about adoption in school in ways they understood and didn’t understand, and that the best thing they could do is tell mom and dad. They actually never brought anything home, but have told me as adults that friends would ask questions and they would answer. I’m glad they had the tools to do that.

Our children know that we support their decisions around search and reunion, and that the decision is theirs: Search is such a difficult area for adoptive parents. On the one hand, if we ourselves believe in our kids have a right to be connected with their families, we might push them in the direction of search. On the other hand, if we have been listening to the adoptees, we know that this is an intensely personal decision and experience. I’m not so confident of my parenting in this area. Have we pushed too much or too little? Whatever they decide, will we be able to provide the right kind of support? Only time will tell.

That’s pretty much it.

When I look at my young adult kids, I know that the lion’s share of who they are comes from within themselves. But I also know that Third Dad and I have helped them learn to navigate life as Korean adoptees in a racist, adoptist society. Our parenting choices have given our kids the tools they need to face what life is bound to throw at them, without robbing them of their self-confidence and self-esteem. I’m proud of the job we have done.

But I’m prouder of the kids. And I love them more than I could ever put into words.

Love, respect and adoptive parenting

2010-11-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

I worry sometimes that all my ranting about adoption might give people the impression that my relationship with my kids is somehow damaged or distorted. This simply isn’t the case. Yet I know that when I visit some prospective adoptive parent blogs or talk to those who know where I write, their comments tell me they’re concerned that being outspoken might be a sign of trouble on the home front.

I assure you, dear readers, it is not. The relationship Third Dad and I have with the kids is like that of any other parent-child relationship. There has been smooth sailing and stormy weather, but it’s all tied together with shared experiences.

It’s easy, I think, to say we love our kids. What’s harder, at least from my point of view, is to respect them as whole people. Having never parented a child born to me, I can’t say what it’s like in that relationship. But I’ve been a child born to my parents, and I can remember the sting of feeling my individuality dismissed. I know my parents meant no disrespect, but it hurt all the same. I think they had an image of their kids that reflected their images of themselves, and it was just plain hard for them to see my brothers and me through any other lens.

It was impossible for my husband and me to seek such a reflection in The Boy and The Girl. They’re unrelated to us by blood and race, so perhaps strangely, I sought our differences as eagerly as I sought the parallels. And those differences became my treasures.

The slight downward dip of my daughter’s beautiful eyes, which I would trace as she slept, imagining the dreams behind them. Her long, slender fingers, which as a toddler would gently pat us awake in the middle of the night as she sought our company. Her gorgeous hair, long and thick, enough for three people, her stylist says.

My son’s full lips, which even as a baby were often pursed as he pondered the world around him. His earlobes, which in the very first photo we received of him struck me as the most perfectly formed ears I had ever seen. His eyes, dark and direct, the kind of eyes that force your attention and honesty.

When they were babies and toddlers, still willing to let mom hug and hold, I would trace their eyes and ears, hold their hands and stroke their hair, and think about the people on the other side of the planet who shared them. I imagined their mothers most of all, but fathers, too, and grandparents, siblings, cousins. I imagined whole families of people who looked like my beautiful children, entire villages of relatives with those long fingers, perfect ears, and beautiful eyes.

And I loved them. I loved the entire army of them, and love them still. Because even though reality may differ from these imagined families, they exist as my children’s history and heritage, and that of their future children and grandchildren. From Korea through the centuries, to the here and now, and on into the future, they exist. And because they exist, and have existed, it has never been possible for me to graft my children onto my family tree or my husband’s. To do that would deny what is uniquely them and theirs.

What builds family is respect, support and love – not ownership. My kids know that they are family; they know it because my husband and I are, always have been and always will be there for them. That’s not something you talk about, it’s something you do.

You just do it. And you know what? Suddenly twenty years have gone by, and your children are grown and have become strong and independent. Although you never forced them to choose, they are here, still a part of your family. You frustrate them, you amuse them, you help and guide them, just like every other parent does for their children. They in turn amaze you and make you love them more and more with every passing day.

We humans love to complicate things, you know? I think adoption is one of those areas that we’ve complicated to the point of lunacy. It’s a shame, because it really is pretty simple.

Love your kids. Love who and where they come from. Empower them to own their past, present and future. And then let them go out into the world with your support and respect to make their way.

This is what parenting is all about.

Adoption ethics through many lenses at the St. John's Conference

2010-10-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I waffled about going to the St. John's Adoption Ethics Conference Open Arms, Open Minds: The Ethics of Adoption in the 21st Century. It was, in a word, inspiring.

I went with the conscious attitude that this would be my last adoption conference (apart from KAAN, which is as much a visit to extended family as it is an adoption conference - probably even more for me, given how long I've been going and how many friends I've made there), another step in the pulling away from adoption issues and handing the reins to my kids.

I returned inspired to do more. I have no idea what that might be or how that might happen. I just know that once in the battle, there is no retiring. Slowing down maybe, as we all slow down with age, but no pulling away.

I mean, how do you pull away when you watch people like Pam Hasegawa, who has given countless years of her life to the cause of an adopted person's right to have their original birth certificate, and shows no sign of stopping? You don't. You can't. Even if all you can do is add your voice, you do it.

Here's what inspired me:

The conference started with Dr. John Raible, whose work needs no explanation. If you're the parent of a transnationally or transracially adopted person and don't know him, please read this post immediately, and make sure you take the course. I keep my report card right here.

The films - every one amazing. Wo Ai Ni, Mommy, In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee, Off and Running, Outside Looking In: Transracial Adoption in America, and For the Life of Me.

The keynote panel with Ruth McRoy, Joe Kroll and Beth Hall. It kicked Friday off with a kick in the pants to everyone who thinks color-blind parenting is a good way to raise a transracially-adopted child. I really, really like Ruth McRoy.

Suz and Claudia's session Relinquishment Hindsight: What We Wish the Professionals Had Told Us. It was incredibly heartening to see social workers attend in good numbers, and ask questions that showed they were really listening. Suz and I roomed together at the hotel, and when Claude arrived on Thursday, she joined us before we all walked down to St. John's. I loved every moment of it, because I love these ladies!!

Susan Soon-Keum Cox's presentation on the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption. There was so good discussion going on that room, from different points of view. This conference encouraged that.

Trevor Jordan's presentation Expanding the Circle: Ethics for Everyone in Adoption. About time I heard from an actual ethicist, and Dr. Jordan was a good one to begin with. He is a late-discovery adopted person from Australia, president of Jigsaw Queensland, and a former senior lecturer on ethics. Dr. Jordan's presentation demonstrated how simple the ethics of open records really is. Unfortunately, the battle has gone down the path of convoluted and even unrelated arguments. We have to bring it back on track to the simple truth that everyone has a right to know what's in Chapter 1 of their life.

Subini Annamma's presentation Unraveling Messages: The Adoptive Family's Impact on the Racial Identity Development of Transnational and Transracial Adoptees. I want to send a copy of this presentation to every a-parent I've heard say "I'm going to let my child come to her identity on her own."

The Friday afternoon keynote panel with Susan Cox, Susan Branco Alvarado, Amy Fjellman and Amber Stime: adoption agency representatives and a private therapist discussing openly the challenges they face in today's transnational adoption environment. They spoke to challenges to the ethical challenges they face in providing adoption and post-adoption services, many of which are created by demanding prospective adopters who are interested only in receiving a child, and not in their responsibilities to go through that process ethically, or with their responsibilities to that child after he or she has joined their family.

Susan Ito's performance of The Ice Cream Gene, the story of her first meeting with her first mother. Susan is a friend, which made watching this beautiful, humorous and heartrending performance all the more touching.

David Smolin's Saturday morning keynote speech Ethical Challenges or Ethically Challenged? Intercountry Adoption in the 21st Century. I had met Dr. Smolin before, but had never heard him speak, and I'm telling you, he brings you out of your seat with his intelligence, logic and passion. I have notes from his presentation and will try to write them up later, but for now I'll just say that if you have not read his work, do. I was doubly lucky to have been able to spend time with Dr. Smolin, Suz and Claudia at dinner on Friday night, too. We were walking back from the conference to the hotel and found an incredible Indian restaurant, where we pigged out on delicious food, good wine and remarkable conversation.

The keynote panel on Ethical Issues Surrounding Adoption in the Media, with Sandra Patton-Imani, David Crary, Nate Bae Kupel, Adam Pertman and moderated by Kate Snow. We all know the media mangles adoption pretty much every time they have the chance. This panel discussed how this happens, and what we can do to stop it. It was pretty clear after the discussion that doing nothing isn't an option; vigilance and protest are absolutely necessary. I was excited to meet Nate, whose blog I love, and who has kept the Korean adoption community aware of what's in the news in our world for a long time.

Jungyun Gill's presentations of her papers Where Do Our Children Fit In? White Mothering of Asian Children and the Construction of Racial and Ethnic Identities and Mapping Motherhoods in International Adoption: Birth Mothers, Foster Mothers and Adoptive Mothers. The second paper in particular interested me. It documented the results of a study that looked at the ways in which Korean adoption agencies documented relinquishment, and how that documentation favored adoptive parents at the expense of the first and foster mothers.

Darryl "DMC" McDaniels' Adoption Purpose and Destiny. I had seen this presentation at the AAC Conference in Cleveland year before last, and it brought everyone to their feet. Same here - I love this man!! And I love the way he tells his story!

Susan Ito, Mark Diebel and Beth Hall's panel discussion of Real Life Ethics: Learning from Triad Relationships. There were adopted people, adoptive parents and social workers in the room, and perhaps first parents too, and the issues they brought to the panel for discussion were the real thing. And they talked about issues that everyone could relate to, from the challenge of helping a surrendering mother understand the importance of ongoing contact (for her and for her child) to helping young adoptees through the challenges of search with and without reunion to the broader issue of the adoptee's right to access to their OBC.

In addition to really good sessions (and a lot of them - this was one session-rich conference), it was wonderful to catch up with friends I haven't seen in a long time. My mind was pretty much mush on the train ride home, and still is today. There was just so much to absorb, and given the amount of adoption activity that's been going on in my life recently, I'm overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information and experience.

But most of all I'm overwhelmed by the amount of work that remains to be done. I hope every person that may read this post will get out there and do what you can for the cause.

Nothing is truly mine except my name

2010-10-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

Whatever you choose to claim

of me is always yours;

nothing is truly mine

except my name. I only

borrowed this dust.

From Passing Through by Stanley Kunitz.

Interesting that a poem that has nothing to do with adoption can zero in so well on something so intrinsic to the experience. Interesting that it is written from the point of view of someone who also lost his birth records, in this case to a fire. Although the papers are gone, he knows that the name they documented is important, that it's the one thing that's truly his.

It's no different for my kids, or for any adopted person. What, for the love of God, is so hard to understand about that?

Will we learn from "In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee"?

2010-09-27T06:14:00.000-07:00

Of all the publicly-told adoption stories I have heard since adoption from Korea became a part of my life (apart from Julia's, which holds a very different place in my heart and mind), it is Deann Borshay Liem's that has touched me most deeply. In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee, which can be viewed online at PBS' POV through Octobrer 15th, picks up where First Person Plural, which can also be viewed online at POV through November 20th, leaves off. Both films document how Deann Borshay Liem refused to let the dismissal of those around her deter her from finding out the truth about her adoption, her identity and the woman whose name she brought to the United States when she was sent for adoption in her place.

A couple of weekends ago, I watched In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee, then reprised First Person Plural before watching Cha Jung Hee a second time. There are some similarities between Ms. Liem's story and that of one of my children, and I wanted to watch the film very carefully to understand why and how it was so easy for everyone involved in Ms. Liem's adoption to ride roughshod over her identity and history.

Depending on your connection to adoption, you may be thinking I can stop right here and attribute it all to adoption agency avarice and adoptive parent entitlement. I think the reasons this kind of fraud went on for so long (to the present, I do not doubt) are more complicated, and that well-meant actions played as important a role as outright greed and adoptive parent desire to help an orphan or desperation to have a child.

It was painful to watch the details of Ms. Liem's story unfold; I cannot imagine how painful it has been for her to live with the knowledge that she was someone other than everyone told her she was, and then to be dismissed every time she brought it up. I wonder how and why her adoptive parents, who had the photos that made it clear that something was amiss, either missed the point or refused to believe it. I am frustrated by the Korean social workers who excused their actions and showed surprise that they had caused Ms. Liem pain.

Human beings have a desire to know themselves and their histories. We may demonstrate it with different intensities, but it is always there, a simple fact of life. As long as adoption tinkers with this reality, or pretends that our desire to know can be replaced in some way by new attachments formed through adoption, it will fail to do its best.

And you know what? The perverse notion that one family can replace another, no strings attached, has created nothing but division. Everywhere in the adoption community you see the result of this in increasingly extreme points of view and polarization. I want to mention here Jean Strauss's documentary Vital Records; listen to Tom Atwood's comments and you'll know exactly what I mean. Peel adoption back to its fundamental purpose – connecting children truly in need of families with families anxious to love them – and I think we can agree it has a valid, supportable purpose. Justify deception as a necessary part of the process and the house of cards falls down.

The fact is that Deann Borshay Liem’s life may have followed the same path had Kang Ok Jin not been told to go to the U.S. as Cha Jung Hee. Her Korean family may have made the same sad decision (which deserves its own discussion) to send her to what they thought was a better future in the U.S. Her adoptive parents may have decided to adopt Kang Ok Jin had they been told that Cha Jung Hee had returned to her Korean family. The fraud and fudging that mark her story were never a necessary evil. The explanations provided by the Korean agency are weak, the justifications weaker.

I applaud Deann Borshay Liem for telling her story in both of her films. They should be required viewing for all adoptive parents of children from Korea. With them available online now, and for sale for a very reasonable price at Mu Films, there is in my opinion no excuse for not watching them both. Please do, and then take what you learn and use it for the good of the cause of ethical, just adoption.

Reflections on "Wo Ai Ni Mommy"

2010-09-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

Movies have the ability to place questions in our paths which force us to think, long and hard, about our lives. Stephanie Wang-Breal’s Wo Ai Ni Mommy certainly did that to me.

I watched it about a week ago, taking time to watch it carefully, without interruption. Now, a week after watching, my initial reactions have mellowed into broad impressions, each bringing questions rather than answers about the international adoption experience.

First impression: Wo Ai Ni Mommy is beautifully made. Stephanie Wang-Breal has approached Sui Yong’s journey with great sensitivity, and in many places zeroes in wordlessly on the heart of the issue, which to me is yet another question: Why, for the love of God, was it necessary to take this child of eight from everything she knew? Wasn’t there in all of humanity someone who could have said Wait, there’s another way!?

Second impression: If you watched the film, you may have had this reaction, too. Was this family prepared in any objective, substantive way to parent an eight-year-old child from another culture, race and language? Add Sui Yong’s disability to the picture, along with the adoptive mother's authoritarian nature, and you struggle even more to understand; at least I did. The language lessons hit me particularly hard, given that linguistics is my field and I have taught second languages to English speakers and English to speakers of other languages. I didn’t get the sense that Mom, in spite of the fact that she knew some Chinese, respected the language or Sui Yong’s significant abilities, which were sacrificed all too quickly.

Third impression: This is a close family. Mom may be an authoritarian, but there's real warmth here. The siblings genuinely care for one another, something that I think will be a treasure to them all in adulthood, and is a treasure now, even if they don’t realize it or are unable to verbalize it. Dad provides the perfect foil to Mom’s sternness.

Fifth impression: This one is about me rather than the film. I began watching steeled for a story I wasn’t going to like, and after watching adoptive mom meet Sui Yong in China, I also wanted to dislike her. But I find that the emotions that have stayed with me are resignation and frustration: resignation to a process that just doesn’t seem able to get it right, and frustration that in spite of all the information that is available in books and on the internet and from organizations and individuals, adoptions continue to take place with their focus on the adoptive parents and little concern for this children who lose so much in the process.

Ah, someone is saying; ah, but look how much Sui Yong gained. She gained a family, loving siblings, loving parents, the opportunity for treatment for her disability. What was there for her in China? Even her foster father said that she had to come to the U.S., she had to leave China, which would never accept her as she was.

I will say right now that I know very little about Chinese attitudes toward disabilities. But it seems to me that an adoptive family could have been found for Sui Yong in all of that vast country. Perhaps there was no way to reunite her with her first family; we are never told what motivated their decision to send her to the orphanage. But it seems to me that her losses could have been softened had she been adopted by a Chinese family. Maybe then she could have maintained her relationship with her foster family, with whom she had developed a strong attachment.

All supposition, I know. But these are considerations which need to be addressed with every single intercountry adoption.

Sixth impression: At the end of the day, my family’s experience is really no different than the Sadowskys'. Loss is loss. Their daughters lost, my kids lost. Sensitive, prepared parenting may soften the pain of adjustment and improve the possibility of attachment, but it doesn't change that basic fact.

Something Stephanie Wang-Breal describes in the interview at the end of the film how, as she filmed over a nearly two year period, she watched Sui Yong blossom. But do you remember the scene in which Sui Yong, her adoptive mother and grandfather, and her foster family meet? At the family’s home after sightseeing, Sui Yong and her Guangzhou Mei Mei, her Chinese foster sister, danced together, laughing and giggling.

There, in familiar surroundings and with people she loved, it was clear that Sui Yong had already blossomed.

Comparing adoption in Australia and the U.S.

2010-09-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

I watched Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy last night. Post forthcoming after I watch it again. Seriously, once was not enough.

It got me in a "adoption is really screwed up and things have to change" frame of mind (not only because of what I saw in the film), so I spent a little time surfing today to see what I could find. I came across the website of Clova Publications and Evelyn Robinson. Information about Evelyn from the site:

Evelyn Robinson is a mother who, in 1970, was separated from her first child, Stephen, through adoption. They were reunited in 1991. When Evelyn wrote her first book, Adoption and Loss – The Hidden Grief, she wanted to have full control over the content, presentation and marketing of her book. For this reason Evelyn created Clova Publications and published the book herself.

Since Adoption and Loss – The Hidden Grief was first published in 2000, Evelyn has also published a revised edition in 2003, followed by her second book Adoption and Recovery – Solving the mystery of reunion, in 2004. Evelyn then published her third book, Adoption Reunion - Ecstasy or Agony? in 2009.

Evelyn kindly posts her articles and presentations, and in the course of perusing her library, I came across two that were particularly interesting to me. I hear a lot and you may, too, about the fact that Australian adoption practices today (not necessarily historically) are more respectful of mothers' and children's rights to stay together than are U.S. policies. Coincidentally, Cedar posted today about an article entitled Unmarried mums get State apology. I dare you to hold your breath in this country until that happens.

Anyhow, in the course of this surfing and finding Evelyn Robinson's site, there were two articles in particular that caught my eye. I scanned both and will be reading them more carefully, but even the scan tells me that we have a lot to learn from our friends down under.

There's much more on the site. Enjoy - and let me know what you think of these two articles in particular, as well as any others you may read, too.

Thinking about the international adoption films on PBS POV

2010-09-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy aired on some PBS stations yesterday. I was surfing around the POV website last night in the hopes that I’d find it on one of our local schedules, but they don’t have it scheduled yet, so I’ll be watching online starting tonight.

Each of the film’s pages includes online discussion, so I spent a little time reading some of the comments. Although it hasn’t been aired yet, there were several comments on the page for In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee, Deann Borshay Liem’s second film about her adoption experience. Perhaps the commenters had seen preview showings elsewhere, perhaps they were commenting with Deann’s first film, First Person Plural, in mind. Regardless, it was disappointing to see comments by adoptive parents that show how far we have to go to get them to see reality.

A couple of comments were of the “I’m the real parent and I’m tired of the media saying I’m not” variety. I understand this, because I remember thinking the same thing when our kids were little. The media likes sensational adoption stories about adoptees who murder their adoptive parents and adoptive parents who abuse their children. And frankly it makes sense that a reunion story would focus on the reunited. At the end of the day, ordinary adoptive families aren’t news.

Deann Borshay Liem’s films, however, aren’t media coverage, and they’re far from sensational. They tell a true story about a Korean adoption experience that isn’t unique (very important to remember that), and tell it in a personal way that demands adoptive parent attention. It's disappointing to read comments by adoptive parents focusing on their role in the experience, rather than acknowledging that what happened in the case of Deann Borshay Liem’s adoption was simply wrong, and is wrong whenever it happens.

It was also interesting that more than one adoptive parent pointed out exorbitant adoption fees. Honestly, it’s stunning to realize that there are people who adopt who believe they deserve a special place in the parenting hall of fame because they went through a homestudy (one called it “rigorous scrutiny in two countries”) and paid a fee (the same commenter called it “a small fortune to ransom them”).

A homestudy and payment of a fee, no matter how high, do not give adoptive parents the right to consider themselves “real parents.” Our job is to love our children, to be the best parents we can to them, and to respect their individuality, which includes their heritage and connections to their first families. Period.

I just don’t know how to say this any more clearly. And I don’t get why this is such a stretch for so many adoptive parents.

When I look at my kids, I see two young adults whose have lost more in their young lives than I have lost in my long one. I see potential: to love, to learn, to enjoy, to grieve, to search, to be satisfied with what life brings their way, to strive for more. I see individuals who have a right to know the truth about their origins, not a half-baked “truth”.

I also see two young people who love my husband and me. If they were both to decide tomorrow to go to Korea to meet their families and live with them, I’d applaud their decisions. I don’t feel threatened by that, because the relationships we have will continue, no matter where life takes them. I suspect that should they decide to do just this, at some time or another they’d invite Third Dad and me to join them, so we could know their families, too. I also know that if they chose to keep those relationships to themselves, that would also be fine.

It’s all good. Being their mom is an honor and a privilege. I’m happy to stand on the sidelines and watch them go for their personal golds. That’s real enough for me.

Visit the POV website for details. Click here for check local listings.

Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy
PBS Broadcast August 31, 2010
Online September 1, 2010 through November 30, 2010

Stehanie Wang-Breal's film about an 8-year-old Chinese girl adopted by a family in Long Island, NY airs on Aug. 31.

In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee
PBS Broadcast September 14, 2010
Online September 15, 2010 through October 15, 2010

Her passport said she was Cha Jung Hee. She knew she was not. So began a 40-year deception for a Korean adoptee.

Off and Running
PBS Broadcast September 7, 2010
Online September 8, 2010 through December 7, 2010

Nicole Opper's film about Brooklyn teenager Avery, the adopted daughter of a white Jewish lesbian couple.

First Person Plural
PBS Broadcast August 10, 2010
Online August 11, 2010 through September 11, 2010

After being told all her life that she was an orphan, filmmaker Diann Borshay Liem recounts her discovery that her Korean birth mother was alive.

When new adoptive parents talk about adoption

2010-08-31T05:55:00.000-07:00

Joy has a post up about the Scott Simon interviews that you must read. I wish he would read it, but something tells me he has enough people giving him attaboys to keep him away from any consideration of serious issues for a long time.

A friend respectfully suggested that maybe we shouldn’t beat him up so much. He is a new adoptive father, and is expressing publicly what many adoptive parents feel when they first adopt. I remember that intense feeling of love that hit me with every memory of my children’s arrivals, and it is powerful. Very powerful indeed.

What I don’t understand (and have said before - sorry to keep beating this horse) is how a journalist for a respected media outlet wasn’t more tuned in to the reality of intercountry adoption. I'm not saying that only journalist APs have an obligation to talk to all facets of the adoption experience. I'm saying that someone whose words will spread far and wide, because they have the strength of the media behind them, should be particularly careful about what they say.

I’ve been struggling with my decision to adopt for a long time now, and recognize my role in the process. It’s clear to me now that with the support of society, fewer women will decide to surrender a child. My children may very well not have been my children had the world offered their mothers and families that support. I still grapple with, had I known then what I know now, whether or not I would have still adopted. I believe that with complete information my decisions may not have been the same in each case, although at the end of the day I also know that the strength of my desire to be a parent and the persuasiveness of the win-win argument were incredibly powerful. So at the end of the day, I just don't know.

Maybe Scott Simon will get it one day. Maybe he, like Rick Boas, will have an ah-ha moment that spurs him, with his considerable resources, into action to raise awareness of the pain and sorrow and grief of his daughters’ mothers, and raise resources to make it possible for them to keep their children. Maybe he’ll recognize that he has the power in the adoption equation, and will start working on behalf of the women of China who are pushed to surrender their children, instead of pushing a book that promotes the status quo.

We’ll have to wait and see.

More skewed media coverage of intercountry adoption

2010-08-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

I guess when you work for NPR you have something in your contract that says if you write a book you get to plug it x number of times on NPR shows. Scott Simon had a big chunk of the Diane Rehm show today. It was a love fest, that's for sure.

At the risk of being smacked down for voicing any positive feelings about adoption, let me say that I get Mr. Simon's love for his daughters and his family. I get the strength of the connection he feels; my family feels equally connected.

But we have heard it all before. And in this umpteenth telling of the Joy of Adoption, NPR skewed the issue. The callers were overwhelmingly positive in their attitudes toward intercountry adoption, and the few that had more challenging stories to tell got a nod, followed by a subject change back to something warmer.

Message to Diane Rehm: If you want to be as unbiased as NPR claims to be, then please plan some programs that focus on adoption practices worldwide (including closed birth records right here) and invite only adoptees and mothers who have lost their children to adoption.

So frustrating.

Another journalist fails intercountry adoption

2010-08-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

This time it's Michael Gerson, a Dub Bush speechwriter who was recuited by Karl Rove. Nuff said about what I think about his politics.

You be the judge of what he says about intercountry adoption at this article: International adoption: From a broken bond to an instant bond. My comment was this:

"Ethnicity is an abstraction ..."

No, ethnicity is not an abstraction. It is the stuff of which many, many human beings define their very selves.

I could not agree more with you when you describe the serendipity that leads to strong, loving families, including mine. But I couldn’t disagree more that this somehow dismisses our obligation as adoptive parents to respect and nurture the genetic and ethnic connections our children bring with them. These are not ours to dismiss.

If intercountry adoption were the simple matter of placing the life of a child on one side of a scale, and the preservation of that child’s racial and cultural identity on the other, perhaps you would be making a point that could be taken at face value. But as a journalist, you should know better that it’s not that simple. The orphans that people believe they are “saving” through intercountry adoption often aren’t orphans at all, and often would not have had to leave their families or mothers had those families and mothers had a little financial and societal support.

Supporting just intercountry adoption, nurturing our children’s birth heritages, and helping to end the tragedies that lead to intercountry adoption aren’t mutually exclusive. How I long for someone with a public pulpit to acknowledge this.

Margie Perscheid
http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/
Adoptive mom of two incredible young Korean adults

Please go add yours.

Direct Adoptions, direct to my mailbox

2010-08-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

I got an unsolicited email the other day from a New York PR firm announcing a new online adoption "community."

www.DirectAdoptions.com is a new on-line community founded by adoptive parents to empower birthmothers and adoptive parents by increasing their direct access to private, affordable, open adoption. It is committed to providing a process, based on a social networking platform, that includes many of the positive attributes of traditional agency adoptions, such as professionalism and confidentiality, yet offers the further advantages of simplicity and affordability.

On its webpage, DirectAdoptions advertises the following, also stating that it is not an adoption agency:

find birthmothers
Make your own match outside the agencies.
Contact birth mothers directly.
Get support and guidance.
find adoptive parents
Contact adoptive parents directly.
Meet other birth mothers.
100% anonymous. FREE.

We've created a community for adoptive couples and individuals to meet birthmothers and one another in a SAFE, SECURE, and ANONYMOUS environment.

I tried to figure out where Direct Adoptions might be doing business, but the closest I could come was to Chicago, where the cell phone number they offer as their biz line is located.

Things get complicated at the DA website. Several of the pages include a navbar stating that DA is endorsed by the "National Adoption Foundation." Hmm, 23 years in the adoption community and this is the first I've heard of them. I surf on over to the NAF webpage, and find nothing to indicate that they are indeed a 501c3 or any other established non-profit. I do find that they endorse one organization: Direct Adoptions. I wasn't the least bit surprised that the "Ask a Pro" button on the NAF website responded with "Coming Soon," but the options to donate to the NAF or get your very own NAF credit card worked just fine. So did the payment plan options on the DA site - $295 initial fee for PAPs plus $59 a month "maintenance fee," all of which would be waived for the first 50 visitors to the NAF website.

A little digging brought me to an article on a webpage on bnet, the CBS Interactive Business Network. The National Adoption Foundation is apparently the brainchild of a Mr. Norman Goldberg, who was in bnet's "conservative spotlight" in that 2000 article. Interestingly, one of the addresses I have found for the NAF (two in Danbury, CT and one in Patterson, NY) happens to coincide with the divorce practice of a Ms. Judith Goldberg.

Oh - DirectAdoptions.com is on Facebook. There are comments on their wall, but I presume they're by moles, because there's no comment block. Maybe you have to like them first, and I'm not going there.

It makes me grind my teeth.

Scott Simon and "Meant for Each Other" on NPR

2010-08-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Scott Simon, author of Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other was interviewed on NPR this morning.

I was disappointed, first by the interview itself, which was quite dismissive of the importance of racial, ethnic and genetic inheritance. It also bothers me that someone who works in the media and has very young children has become a spokesperson for adoption, although the story he tells is a very personal one.

I was frustrated by Simon's acceptance of the status quo for his children's mothers, too. If he's a journalist writing about adoption, he has to be aware of the work that Korean adoptees and many otthers are doing in Korea in support of unmarried Korean mothers and needed changes to adoption laws.

Anyhow, go read, and if you find my comments appropriate, please "recommend" them. And please leave your own and let me know here so I can do the same. Here's what I said:

I'm the adoptive mother of two young adults, both of whom are Korean. I understand the love that Scott Simon feels for his children, as I have that same, visceral love for my kids.

Expressing love and rationalizing differences are the easy part of the intercountry adoption story. Adoptive parents must also speak on behalf of the marginalized women who gave birth to our children and see no other future for themselves or their children than permanent separation. We must speak loudly against the traffickers who take advantage of this, as well as adoption agencies who rationalize the "fudging" of adoptee histories and adoption records. We must also work in support of adoptee access to their original birth certificates, a right that has been denied them.

What is downplayed in this story is exactly what I know are intrinsic and deeply personal facets of the identities my children have defined for themselves: their race, ethnicity and genetic inheritance. It’s my job as an adoptive parent to make sure this fact doesn’t get lost in the feel-good adoption stories that abound.

The blessing and burden of love

2010-08-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

The Boy returned from a study trip in Japan yesterday. He took two courses at Sophia University, but more importantly, had lots of time to experience the language and culture, and hang out in Tokyo with new friends. It was 10:30 or so by the by the time we got home and he was jet-lagged and exhausted, but in spite of this, he was excited to tell us about his adventures and share all the souvenirs he’d brought back.

We talked and talked about what he had loved there, what he had missed about home, and other trips he might like to take in the future. Europe! China! Korea! Third Dad and I couldn’t help offering suggestions, all designed to augment his studies and broaden his prospects in the future.

Later, as I happily looked at my Domo souvenirs (the cutest Domo as shogun post-its you will ever see and a very cute Domo tote bag), it occurred to me that now wasn’t the time to bombard the poor kid with ideas for future travel. Now was the time to let him absorb the experience he had just had, to digest it and integrate it into himself and his life plans. After he does that will be a better time to talk about what comes next.

I wonder how many times I’ve done that with my kids – you know, in my excitement to make the entire world possible for them, suggest things they might not really want to do that they end up doing anyway, to make me happy. I know they love Third Dad and me, and I know they take our words to heart. How many times, I wonder, have they held back their own thoughts and desires to follow our suggestions?

When the kids were little, I really believed that parenting would be a piece of cake by the time they reached this age. On some levels it is, of course; the day-to-day struggles with homework and eating veggies and all the other stuff of parenting young kids is behind us. But on other levels I realize that, God willing I should make it to 80 or so, I’ve got the same amount of time to spend with them as adults.

And that, I realize, will be an equally great challenge. That punch-in-the-guts love we all feel for our kids doesn’t end when they reach adulthood, but our reaction to it – scooping them up and covering them with kisses and hugs – isn’t the right response to it anymore. They have their space, and Third Dad and I need to learn to respect it, physically, intellectually and emotionally.

I don’t want to smother my kids with the best of intentions. I don’t want to overload them with ideas and plans that only complicate their ability to find their own paths. Love, I am coming to realize, can be a burden, just as it can be a blessing. Learning to express my love for my adult kids without silencing their own voices will be my challenge in the coming years.

Race: An artificial distinction?

2010-08-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

Nondiscrimination laws should be applied equally among all citizens, including those who happen to be white. The need for inclusiveness in our society is undeniable and irreversible, both in our markets and in our communities. Our government should be in the business of enabling opportunity for all, not in picking winners. It can do so by ensuring that artificial distinctions such as race do not determine outcomes.
Back in July, Jim Webb, a Democrat and Senator from my home state, Virginia, wrote an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal’s online edition entitled Diversity and the Myth of White Privilege. If you haven’t read it, do.

The article speaks little to white privilege as we typically discuss it in the transracial adoption community – that is, white privilege a la Peggy McIntosh. The article instead presents a case in favor of ending affirmative action programs.

There are stats which, if unspun, make points that certainly explain some of the frustration voiced by affirmative action opponents. I get that; I understand that when you look at individual life situations, not every white person lives a more affluent life than every person of color, which may lead them to feel disenfranchised. I can understand (not agree with, but understand) why some whites may feel ignored by their government when programs designed to support recent immigrants ignore their own need.

But I cannot agree that the need to support minority communities and reform immigration means that white privilege does not exist. I suspect that Mr. Webb had nothing of Peggy McIntosh’s definition in mind when he wrote this opinion, but the responses I have seen online include many that applaud his point of view and proclaim that white privilege is dead.

It is, of course, live and well. You don’t have to look to affirmative action programs to find it, you simply have to look into the hearts and minds of white Americans who do not accept that their whiteness provides privileges that make their daily lives secure in a way that people of color may never enjoy.

I don’t disagree that the way our government addresses racial disparities is necessarily the best way. But I do disagree that the right response to improving such programs is to say the reason it was started in the first place no longer exists.

We are of many races; the distinction is real. Those of us who are white enjoy the collective benefits that centuries of dominance have provided. It’s up to us to work to ensure that our privilege is made possible for every single person in this country.

Thank you, KAAN, thank you

2010-08-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

There actually is a reason I felt it was time to return to this blog: KAAN.

I went to the conference this year with no small amount of my own baggage. Being an adoptive parent doesn’t mean that your journey is straightforward and understandable, and I’ve come to realize that my youngest’s departure for college hit me differently than I had expected it would. I’ve felt all the typical “empty nest” emotions, but I’ve also found myself feeling less like an adoptive parent, and more like a plain old mom.

And that has made me less patient with extreme attitudes and loud voices in the adoption community. Seems strange, but after much soul-searching, I really see the connection.

KAAN was like a balm this year. First, I got to see the friends I have made over the years, and made some new ones, too. From the drive up to Harrisburg with a buddy who was in DC for a conference, to the nights at the bar and hanging out in our rooms, to lunches, dinners and sessions, everywhere I looked I saw a friend. What touched me beyond my ability to express here is that many of them saw that I was pretty down in the dumps, and freely offered their comfort and support. I can’t really convey how much it helped.

Then there were the sessions and activities. Although I didn’t attend many (I do registration and was at the reg table a lot) the ones I attended provided opportunities to discuss feelings and experiences in a safe environment. A highlight was the showing of Resilience on Friday night. I can say honestly that there wasn’t a dry eye in the house, nor a person who wasn’t deeply moved. This was reflected in all the discussions of the movie that took place throughout the weekend.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Korean adoption conference if there wasn’t some KOREA there. There’s a fabulous performing group in central Pennsylvania called Selaheart, and I was given the plum job of escorting them to and from their rehearsal and helping with anything they needed. I got to watch some amazing performers, including a Korean national living treasure performing Korean folk songs. It is impossible not to smile when you’re watching traditional Korean music, let me tell you.

The very best memory, though, came from our usual hang-out time after Saturday night’s dinner and performance. Senator Paull Shin spoke, and his words brought the entire audience to their feet. Selaheart then performed, and as everyone left the celebration, our mood was high. Someone suggested continuing the party in a room, so a good 30 or so of us met, wine bottles, beers and sodas in tow. It got to the point of standing room only, and became a real party, with everyone laughing and talking – I’m so glad Terra had her camera to preserve the moment.

Being that this was a Korean American celebration, at some point there had to be a song, so one by one, we all started joining in to sing Arirang. I looked around the room and realized that in that small space was every experience you could find in adoption from Korea: adoptees with all kinds of experiences and points of v iew; a Korean father was there with the daughter he found again after many years; a Korean mother who came to the U.S. to find her half-American son and ultimately found him in Australia; adoptive parents, some with their families and some alone; people who work in adoption; and Korean Americans who support the conference. Before too long, everyone was linking arms and adding their – our – voices.

There was laughter and there were tears, some happy and some poignant. Most of all, there was the unspoken sense that, although we as individuals might not agree on every issue, we recognized that we are doing our best, for ourselves, our families and for Korean adoption. That kind of mutual respect (along with the knowledge that what we talk about at KAAN stays at KAAN) is a treasure, and allows people to open up. I crave that kind of dialog, and it is everywhere at this conference.

With the memory of KAAN 2010 strong in my mind, what I want to do here now is clear again: To write in a way that makes that same sense of connection possible. To accept the journeys of others to allow me to learn from them. To work to change what must be changed, with encouragement rather than criticism, by supporting the work of those who have found a better way.

Thank you, everyone who works to make KAAN possible every year and everyone who comes to the conference. Thank you.

Korea's Lost Children on BBC World Service

2010-08-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have reposted old posts. No, I'm not sure if I will be posting again here. But this program featuring Jane Jeong Trenka and Suki Leith was worth coming out of hiding to post about.

Article and links to a variety of players here: Korea's Lost Children

Listen on BBC World Service's player here.

I think Jane said it best when she pointed out that the way to help a woman in need of support of one kind or another is NOT to take her child away. Compounding loss and grief and sorrow serve no helpful purpose to that woman at all.

I hope life has been good to everyone this summer. Keep cool!

For mothers

2010-05-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

My wish for mothers, as each wants and needs: Rest, peace, reunion, joy, strength, and justice.

Thinking of you all.

Added later: Please read Cassi's post on "birthmothers' day. She asks us to imagine if a special day were set aside to celebrate adoptive mothers, rather than a day for the women who bore our children. It will give you a taste of what it must feel like to be dismissed and relegated to the fringes of your own child's life. Read and think.

Very belated thank-you for a Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-05-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Back in March - yes, March, fortunately of this year - Cavatica, a lovely blogger and someone who has had the guts to keep reading here while I've been working through my employment and adoption demons, gave me the honor of being mentioned in her list of Beautiful Bloggers. It's entirely undeserved, given the number of pure rants you can find here. And it's completely appreciated.

The rules are:

1. Pass it on to 15 more Beautiful Bloggers.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.

Today I'm taking a break from adoption blogging to thank the following people whose blogs give me a break from adoption-land. Some are adoptees, first parents, adoptive parents, but these blogs don't focus on it. Others have no connection to adoption at all.

Enjoy! And Cavatica, thank you, and forgive me for the delay!

The Chucklehut - Dan's writing is how I want to write when I grow up. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile. I love this blog!

River, Blood and Corn - Terra Trevor (whom you also know from In Writing Motherhood and her book Pushing up the Sky) edits this wonderful blog, which features writings by Terra and guests.

Evolution - Unique in every way. You guess who it belongs to. I'm not linking to the author's identity yet, but will when this blog's equally unique owner says it's OK.

Sheltersky - Kyungmee's photo blog is loaded with her amazing photography, which combines real and dreamed into unique results.

Musings - Musings is one of Yoli's blogs, and you can rely on it to pique your interest and your conscience.

My Exurbia - Grace shares photos of her world here, but they're anything but everyday.

a wrung sponge - Andi's poetry is the perfect respite from a crazy world

Green Fertility - My infertility days are long behind me, but there's a lot more than fertility on this blog by Marie Myung-Ok Lee.

SToNZ - Susan's blog is a wonderful amalgam of pictures of her incredible jewelry (which I love), info about the latest events in my home town (Cleveland), and snippets from her life (like Grandma Belle's stuffed cabbage recipe). Love it!

atlantic beachlife - Jeannie is "a northern girl who doesn't miss winters loves beachlife in Atlantic Beach, Florida." Love the beach - love the blog!

Busboys And Poets - From the Busboys and Poets website: "Busboys and Poets is a restaurant, bookstore, fair trade market and gathering place where people can discuss issues of social justice and peace." Who wouldn't love a blog from a place like that?

Quiskaeya - A brand-new find. Mom in a multi-racial family who writes about her experiences, and much more.

Kiss My Kimchi - Korean culture with an edge.

Life in Seoul - Wish I was there.

Wu Feng Road - Jeanne-Ming paints portraits of her friends and neighbors from Taiwan so she won't forget their faces.

And now, seven things about me:

1. I'm horribly insecure. Horribly. I crave confirmation that I'm not a complete idiot, but so far the jury's out.
2. I speak fluent German.
3. I'm a logical, linear thinker, the worst kind of person to be blogging, I think. But what can you do?
4. I have no artistic ability whatsoever, except for a little musical talent that manifested itself in piano-playing as a kid and tap-dancing as an adult.
5. I hate bugs.
6. I cannot open a bag of chips without eating most, if not all of it. We do not buy chips in large bags anymore for that reason. Ditto cookies, I just don't buy them at all.
7. I wouldn't trade my life for a million bucks.

Top 10 Myths about Immigration

2010-05-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

With thanks to Jen of attemptedmother, an article we all need to print and keep in our wallets so we're ready to rebutt statements to the contrary: Top 10 Myths About Immigration. Thanks for the tip, Jen!

A little more about North Korean orphan adoption

2010-05-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

Perhaps less about the actual issue, and instead an observation about the online adoption community's approach to criticism of the bill.

First, I want to make this clear:

I do not support HR 4896 and S 3156 as they stand - it's there and has been in this post.
I do not support the opening of an adoption program in North Korea (if such a thing is even possible, which I highly doubt) or of the inclusion of children of North Korean origin in China adoption programs.
I do support the possibility of adoption for some of the stateless children of North Korean origin in China.

For awhile now, I've been trying to understand if there is anything that can be done to bring the polar extremes in the adoption community together around a particular issue. To date, the result is a decided "no stinking way." I think there are a lots of reasons for that: if you or your child has been hurt by adoption, you will look at it through that prism; people (myself included - remember, I'm criticising my own behavior here) don't always understand the complexity of an issue; they're ideologues; or they're followers.

The release of the North Korean orphan adoption legislation has pushed this growing concern to the front of my radar screen. Normally, I would throw my negative opinion about the legislation's language out there and think I'd done my good deed for the day. But because of what I now know about North Korea and North Korean refugees, all I can see in the dismissals of this bill is a dismissal of the North Korean kids in China who are looking to the world for help.

I think we can do better. I honestly believe appropriate criticism of this bill, provided with suggestions for improvement, could lead us to legislation that helps the children who need help while avoiding the establishment of yet another demand-driven adoption program. But we need to offer some thoughts on that. We need to help the adoption-ignorant get a whole lot smarter than they are.

I know I've gotten caught up in those moments of criticism, when an obvious injustice or risk just takes over my brain, and words to that effect flow like water. I wonder how much damage I've done to adoption reform with that. Going forward I'm going to make sure that when I criticize, I include the improvements, too. You guys can keep me honest.

I'll start with this bill, but need to wait for the weekend for that.

The North Korean Refugee Adoption Act of 2010

2010-05-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

I actually left this as a comment at another blog, but went back and deleted it because it was clearly more of a post.

You may have seen some posting recently about HR 4896: The North Korean Refugee Act of 2010 (known by the same name in the Senate as S 3156).

Before the bill was introduced in the House, I had the opportunity to communicate Hannah Song of Liberty in North Korea (LiNK) and Elliot Lee of the Campaign for North Korean Orphans. Their organizations are promoting some type of legislation to make it possible for stateless refugeed North Korean orphans to be adopted in the U.S. I raised my concerns to both that any bill to support such adoptions should pay close attention to the problems with intercountry adoption generally, and with adoption from South Korea in particular. I also shared my view that the bill needed to pay attention to preserving families.

I was disappointed when I read the text of the bill, because it opens the door wide to the same kinds of adoptive parent centric supply-and-demand program that characterizes just about all intercountry adoption programs. I cannot support it as it is, but it really disappoints me to see how many people are turning their backs on the people this bill was intended to help: children, mostly older, who are truly stateless and without family, facing a horrible future on the run in China or worse, returned to North Korea. Not a single serious critique of the bill that I have read has suggested that these people deserve better.

I find the fact that the bill speaks to adoption of children from within North Korea a real head-scratcher, because I'm pretty sure Kim Jung Il won't be opening his arms to any South Korean or American intercountry adoption agencies any time soon. I honestly don't know what Ed Royce had in mind with that. However, it's clear from LiNK's web page on this issue that LiNK's goal is support for orphaned North Korean and stateless children from North Korea in China. (And yes, I suggested LiNK lose the name "Safe Haven Shelters.")

Of the North Korean refugees who are hiding or have come through China, the majority are women and over 70 percent are trafficked or voluntarily marry Chinese men. Some of these women, however, leave their families for fear of being caught and sent back to North Korea or to escape abuse. Once the mothers leave, the fathers often find themselves struggling or unable to provide for their children, leaving them to be cared for by relatives or altogether abandoned.

Both orphaned North Korean and stateless children in the underground in China lack documentation that allow them to receive education, work legally or have basic rights. For North Korean children, seeking asylum in South Korea or the US is an option. However, without appropriate documentation, they cannot be eligible for adoption in the US – only foster care. US law requires documentation that their parents have in fact abandoned them or have passed away. Providing such evidence is impossible for these children. They cannot simply request official documents from the nearest North Korean consulate or contact family in North Korea for assistance. For stateless children who have no citizenship, no rights and no future - they are forgotten in China.

The Campaign for North Korean Orphans describes these children's statelessness in legal terms here. And again, their focus is on stateless and orphaned North Korean children in China.

Now that the bill is out, I've written again to Hannah Song and Elliot Lee, and have expressed my concern about the language in this bill, particularly the fact that it suggests children IN North Korea will be considered for adoption; I will be writing the same to my legislators. Although I can't support the bill as it now stands, neither can I dismiss the truly horrible situation refugeed North Korean children are in. I sincerely hope others will consider this while they voice their valid concerns about the legislation.

For more information, I suggest LiNK's website, One Free Korea, the North Korea International Documentation Project and The Aquariums of Pyongyang.

Adding as an aside: The reaction I see in the adoption community toward this bill is a good example of the personal conflict I find myself in regarding online adoption dialog: there's no opportunity to talk to all angles in a single forum. Maybe because this particular cause is one I know a little about from personal support of LiNK and involvement with a (sadly failed) attempt to start a national organization for North Korean issues, I have heard and read more than most about the situation there and in China. It can't be compared to other refugee situations in which people flee en masse to camps; it is a situation in which even very young children are left to fend for themselves alone in the Chinese underground. When families can be kept together, we should make that happen, and LiNK does. But when that possibility is dead, we should offer the children a better future than the one facing them. I imagine myself meeting such a child and asking them what they want for their future: Life with their Korean family would certainly be at the top of the list, but if that family is gone, I bet they would much rather find comfort in another family than life forever underground.

Also adding: A commenter just pointed out that there's a rumor out there that orphaned North Korean refugees may be entering China adoption programs. Certainly seems to be possible, and is something I'd like to know more about. Has anyone else heard this, and where?

Six word memoir of Mom

2010-05-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

Grown in My Heart (gosh I wish you guys would change your name already!) is holding a blog carnival in honor of Mother's Day. The details are there, but you basically post a picture of your mother (the one you most refer to as a mom), caption it with a six-word memoir, link back to GIMH at their site. I couldn't pass up this opportunity to share my Mom with everyone.

Foundation on which I am built

Mom will turn 87 this year. She is sharp as a tack, engaged in life more than most people half her age. And she's my best friend.

"The Expensive Birthmother"

2010-05-03T04:40:00.000-07:00

I really don't like this article: The Expensive Birthmother

I don't like it for a lot of reasons that I think you'll figure out when you read it. But most of all I don't like it because of this:

The agency, Adoption By Choice (ABC), currently is working with a birthmother who has not yet found adoptive parents for her baby. Dr. Shephard is providing prenatal care to this birthmother, and he gave my mom the phone number for ABC Agency.

The author, a prospective adoptive parent, clearly sees the mother of her future child as as different kind of woman and mother. She has her own special category. She's and "other."

The motives of the author are, in my opinion, appropriate. She understands the connection between support expenses and fraud, but she's missing a key point, I think, which is that pretty much any pre-natal support can lead to fraud, even when it's within "published guidelines," whatever the heck they may be.

I also think she's missing the deeper story about the mother-in-question's situation. It's possible that this woman is trying to game the adoption system. I don't believe that's a common occurrence, but I believe it's possible and happens. But do I believe that women actually think frequent pregnancy and placement of a child for adoption is a way to make a living? No, I don't. And it bothers me that this article gives that impression. I suspect that this woman has layers of issues going on, and her decision to place this child and the others she has placed is tangled up in all of them.

This article says a lot to me about what's wrong with adoption. The author thinks by deciding not to pursue this particular adoption, she's taking the moral high road. She says it makes her feel like she would be buying a baby. But all of us who have paid fees to adopt our children contribute to that potential. It is inherent in the current adoption process, which makes each and every one of us responsible for calling it out when we see the potential.

The author of this article did that, which is good. But she didn't acknowledge that inherent risk, which leads her readers to the conclusion that paying for pre-natal expenses is OK. I personally think if we could eliminate that from the adoption process, ethical adoption would become possible a whole lot faster.

How to be the perfect parent

2010-05-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

If there's a theme to the emails I get from fellow adoptive parents, it's how to be a good adoptive parent. The specifics may differ, but the goal is always the same. People want to know what to do to be the very best parent for their child.

All you have to do is count the number of parenting blogs to see how many parents come to the internet to find advice on this. There's been a bit of discussion on this in adoption blogland recently, about the number of adoptive parents following blogs that paint an incessantly happy picture of adoptive parenting. It doesn't surprise me at all, actually. The internet makes it possible for us to seek out the advice we want, rather than the advice we need. People are likely to gravitate to the kind that fills that need.

But no life is perfect, and I sincerely doubt if the lives of the "happy bloggers" are as problem-free as their blogs would lead you to believe. Everyone faces hard times, and the real test of parenting is how you face them. So if you're getting your parenting advice from the internet, especially from sources that paint a similar picture or offer similar advice for every problem, you need to step away pretty frequently and take the pulse of the here-and-now. Ultimately, we have to make parenting decisions on our own. If we rely too much on the advice of others, we may very well miss the solution that's best for our child.

Now that our nest is pretty much empty, I can reflect a little on my own parenting style, and if it was the best for my kids. Gosh knows when I look back at some of the things I and Third Dad did along the way, I shake my head. Some I would change, and some I wouldn't - and some remain challenges today. Even with the nest empty, I'm still learning how to be a better parent than I was, and I'll probably keep learning until the day I die.

The point that you don't have to be a perfect parent to raise solid kids. You do, however, have to give them your heart, entirely. When you do that, you'll learn - from them, an no one else - what they most need to survive and thrive in the world. Each child will tell you something else, each will demand a different kind of love. The ultimate task for parents is to figure out exactly what kind of love each of our children needs, and give it without hesitation or measure.

Even then, the title "perfect parent" is likely to allude you, because there is really no such thing. Just listen to your children, respect them and their individual needs, and be their parent, all the time and through every joy and challenge. This, more than any particular parenting style or method, should be the aspiration of everyone who wants to be the best parent they can.

Paying respect to Dorothy Height

2010-04-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

My commute takes me past Washington National Cathedral on Wisconsin Avenue. When I pulled up to the lights just before Mass Avenue this morning, I could tell that traffic was heavier than normal. Crossing Massachusetts, I remembered why: Dorothy Height's funeral is taking place there this morning.

At 7:50, the line of mourners was already down Wisconsin and curling down Mass Ave. But I wouldn't actually call the people waiting mourners; it was clear from the smiles and laughter that today's funeral will be as much a celebration of a truly great life as it will be a time to grieve the loss of this amazing woman.

In truth, I knew little about Dorothy Height before her death made the news. I had heard her name, but knew little about her role in the civil rights movement. Today she is being called the unsung heroine of the civil rights movement, as this New York Times article states, she "was very much the unheralded seventh [member of the civil rights "Big Six"], the leader who was cropped out, figuratively and often literally, of images of the era."

What a towering life!

An adoptive parent checklist to read and ponder

2010-04-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

For many reasons I've whined about a gazillion times before, I've given up having a second more personal blog, yet find it hard to be too personal here. It's the kids being adults thing, plus the fact that this blog is more issues focused.

Maybe because I haven't found a place to write more personal thoughts, I love blogs that write from the heart. Raina’s beautiful Faiths and Illusions is a blog like that. I found Raina through Yoli, another blogger of peace and dignity whose blogs focus on the best human qualities. I’m glad I met these ladies online.

A week or so ago, in the heat of the Russian adoption nightmare, Raina posted something that was, in my opinion, so spot on, but delivered with such grace, that I have to call it out in its own post: Preventive maintenance checklist for prospective adoptive parents . What I really like about this post is that it's totally direct, but delivers its message kindly.

In it, Raina speaks to the questions below, providing insights as an adopted person and a mother. You need to read this post and take Raina’s advice to heart:

Why are you adopting?
What have you done to support the preservation of families, in their own country or culture?
How do you feel about your child’s birthmother?
How do you expect your adopted child to feel about you?
Can you completely surrender yourself to pure empathy for your child’s adoption experience (without bias toward your role in it)?
What race will your child be after you adopt him/her?
Are you a racist?
Will you commit to your child, no matter what?

Every one of these items gets my attention, but the notion of surrendering myself in pure empathy to my child’s experience really grabbed me. Perhaps that’s because I’m at a place in which my role in my children’s lives is changing as they grow into adulthood. I think sometimes we APs think that if we do a, b and c, everything will be squared away and we can put adoption on the back burner. Not so! Our kids change, they grow up and encounter experiences themselves that change their feelings about adoption, themselves and their families. It’s our job as adoptive parents to understand where our kids are at any given time and provide support, even if we can’t understand why they’re there.

Raina, thank you for this post. I needed it, and I know many other APs do, too. And while I’m at it, let me pass on another article Raina wrote recently on the issue of identity: Neither, Nor (or how I learned to hate my face but lived to find some beauty in it)

Arizona 1070 and a much-needed dose of Chomsky

2010-04-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

This article caught my eye recently: Noam Chomsky Has ‘Never Seen Anything Like This’

I'm chewing on this at the moment:

Chomsky embraces the Julien Benda view of the world. There are two sets of principles. They are the principles of power and privilege and the principles of truth and justice. If you pursue truth and justice it will always mean a diminution of power and privilege. If you pursue power and privilege it will always be at the expense of truth and justice.

May just be a more elegantly-worded version of this, but still explains quite succinctly why, although we might think that liberal politicians would get the human rights abuse of closed records, they don't. There's nothing in it for them, nothing to increase their power and privilege. Politics is politics, truth is truth, and sadly, it seems that never the twain shall meet.

Adding at lunchtime: Admittedly, both Chomsky and Benda offer a Western point of view. I'd really like to understand how other cultures and traditions view truth and justice, because they may offer a better approach to actually achieving justice in this and and other areas.

It's no wonder that the incredibly unjust and immoral Arizona Senate Bill 1070 is now the law of the Arizona land and Americans are pretty much just standing by and watching. Apart from boycotting, you may think there's nothing you can do. But you can: Urge your legislators, as I am doing, to boycott any activities they might have planned in Arizona. Let your churches know that you believe this is an immoral piece of legislation, and demand them to speak out. Don't attend Arizona team sports events. Sign petitions decrying it: here, here, and here for a start, and please add the others you find to the comments. Don't let this thin edge of the ugliest wedge in recent history go into effect silently.

To those who believe, as I've seen already, that "boycotting hurts the wrong people:" Encourage those people to speak out, too. If everyone sits back because they're afraid someone in Arizona who is equally opposed to this legislation is going to suffer, well then maybe it'll mobilize them to do a better job of fighting similar legislation in the future. It's just like here in VA, where after the 2008 presidential election, we Democrats opened the door to the biggest bunch of jerks the Virginia statehouse has ever seen. Shame on us, we only have ourselves to blame.

Mommy, look!

2010-04-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work this morning through a residential neighborhood near my office, when I passed an intersection bounded on one side by a playground, and another by a church. Traffic was heavy, and slowed as it went through the intersection. As I began to drive through, with the church on my left, I noticed for a brief moment a young woman sitting on the church wall with a little boy who looked to be about a year old or so in her lap. Just as they entered my field of vision, the little boy leaned forward, no doubt watching the children in the playground across the street, and pointed.

Mommy, look! I could almost hear him say, before he settled back into Mommy’s lap.

It’s hard to describe the flood of emotion that this little boy’s gesture brought back. I could almost feel my kids snug in my lap, and could remember the thousands of times they pointed their little fingers excitedly at something, crying Mommy, look! to get my attention. How I used to love to kiss the tops of their little heads, too, their hair sweet as only children’s hair can be, and soft as velvet.

It’s truly amazing how such an everyday scene can evoke such powerful memories. I used to think I needed to document every milestone to the nth degree in order to preserve it for the future, to the point that you can see where the eye-rolling starts in some of our family photos, because Mom is asking for just one more. But it really isn’t that way. As the kids, and probably more importantly I, get older, I find that the smallest things conjure up unbearably sweet memories. It’s amazing, too, how many of those things have nothing to do with my kids and family at all, but come from the everyday life occurrences that we all experience. These days, it seems like every little thing has the power to send me into the past.

The bad news is that I have to keep the tissues close at hand now, because I never know when a memory is going to trigger tears.

The good news is that so many memories are there, as strong as the day we lived them.

One reason adoptee access to their OBC must be framed as a human rights issue

2010-04-22T05:37:00.000-07:00

Because In the history of the world, no one ever washed a rental car. We care only about what we own.

I heard this phrase yesterday in a radio interview with Aaron David Miller. The subject was peace in the Middle East, but it struck me immediately how applicable this phrase was to adoptee rights. It makes me really angry to observe how nonplussed the majority of lawmakers are about adoptee rights, and I think this little phrase offers at least a part of the explanation.

In terms of adoption, it's an ugly phrase, and although the issue of open records is the "rental car" here, I am pretty sure it will be triggering to many adoptees. I apologize for any pain that reading it will cause, and hope you understand that I use it purposefully, because I want to demonstrate how dismissive lawmakers are of adopted adults and their justified demand for equal rights.

Lawmakers get and even feel ownership of some of the issues that intersect with adoption. They'll speak out for the need to find homes for kids in care - kind of a no brainer, although I wonder if they get the complexity. If they're of a particular political point of view, they'll speak out against abortion and will support anything to limit it, which of course bumps right into first mother privacy and then on to OBC access. Some of them even got transnational adoptee citizenship, although by failing to provide for adoptees over eighteen at the time the law was passed, I think they got it wrong, at least in part.

But most just don’t seem to get how egregious it is to isolate a segment of our population from the rights the rest of us enjoy. Maybe it's because they have no personal connection to adoption, in which case, they ought to get some real-life education from some adopted people.

I'm also getting sick of the "ethics experts" who debate this issue from whatever angle they find to prove the point they want to prove. It's real simple folks: Adopted individuals deserve the exact same right to their birth certificate as those of us born to our families do.

You’ll roll your eyes at yet another of my references to the Congressional Coalition on Adoption, but I have to say it again: These people should be all over adoptee rights, but they're not. I’m not talking about the CCAI, the educational institute that grew out of the CCA. It functions pretty much like the NCFA except they say they don't endorse legislation. I'm talking about the actual Congressional coalition, the group of senators and representatives who have joined the CCA and say they’re concerned about adoption. Well, that should mean they’re concerned about adopted adults, which is what the kids in need of families they're rightfully concerned about will grow up to be. Listen to the adoptees, CCA, listen to the adoptees.

So, yeah: In the history of the world, no one has ever washed a rental car. Our job is to give Congress the title and keys and force them to own it.

* * * * *

A good place to start is with this petition to give adult adoptees this basic right; please sign and spread the word.

Message to Theresa: Remember our list of CCA members? CCA is actually posting one now and updating it with each Congress. Everyone, when you get ready to write to your congresspeople, you can see if they're members of the CCA here.

One more announcement, which you'll hear more about: Korea passed a law allowing dual citizenship yesterday. Kudos to everyone at G.O.A.'L and to every KAD who has worked to make this law a reality. There are issues that remain unfinished, including Korea's military service requirement and how that will affect dual citizenship for adoptees, so stay tuned to G.O.A.'L for more news.

Bloggity manners and a little blog biz

2010-04-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

No, this one’s not about more online nastiness, although there’s plenty more where THAT came from - like here, another round of AP unkindness. Some of the comments on this post were really hard to read, really hard. They also triggered some more searching around the internet into established "Christian adoption movement" activities, and what I found makes me sadder still. But that's all for another post.

No, this one is about doing a little blog maintenance.

First and foremost, if you have taken the time to click that FOLLOW button in the sidebar, THANK YOU. I haven’t been very good at returning the favor (* hangs head in shame *) so I went through the list and have followed all of you I wasn’t following before, presuming you have a non-commercial blog. If I’ve missed anyone, please let me know – email’s up there on the right or leave a comment. And I'm going to try to keep up better.

I also added this blog to Networked Blogs in Facebook, since it seems that a lot of folks are using that. If you’re there or you use Networked Blogs, you can follow there, too, or here in the sidebar. Please be sure to let me know if you have a blog listed so I can do the same. I think I've found all my Facebook friends' blogs, but if I missed yours, please give me a heads up.

Finally, I did some template maintenance recently. The person who designed it is no longer online, so I’ve had to undertake the maintenance myself. It was designed using something called faux columns, which can be very cool if you have a way to host the long image you need to use as your background. I learned recently that many of the sites that host them for free are blocked by corporate networks. And let me tell you, the template looks plenty weird without that file.

So I spent an evening last week finally delving into the CSS I needed to do away with that long file, and what you’re looking at is the result. The only thing I had to lose was the dimensional gray borders down the middle – Firefox doesn’t handle the CSS versions well, so I’m settling for a simpler border. I may play more later, but I think it’s OK. Let me know if anything is out of whack.

Thinking out loud about adoption disruption and dissolution

2010-04-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

Content removed by author.

An adoptee describes disruption

2010-04-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

Ash Clouds and Adoption Bans

Skip the adoptive parent stuff at the top, and go down to Orlando Modeno's story. Orlando's thoughts on international adoption of older children:

I would ban all older international adoptions if I could, all of them. I’m still healing, it’s a rupture that occurred in my life. It’s still a process, a process that will take probably the rest of my life.

Listen to an interview with Orlando Modeno here. It will break your heart. And it will make you think hard about older child intercountry adoption.

Adding insult to injury

2010-04-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

I spent Friday night doing what I haven't done in a long time: blog surfing. I was at it into the wee hours of the night, and found my mind chewing on four posts in particular, so much so that after my PC was shut down and I was tucked in bed, I booted up again, to leave a comment.

There were several posts that showed in bright red bold CAPITAL LETTERS that APs and PAPs can be downright cruel. I'm trying to put my finger on it - is it pure entitlement? deficient preparation? something else? I just don't know. I do know, though, that this cruelty adds insult to the injury that adoption can do, and has to stop.

First, please go read these posts, and be sure to read the comments, because in some cases that's where you'll find what I'm talking about:

Did you read? If so, the theme should be pretty clear: adoptive parent preaching, and verbal abuse and bullying of adoptees and first parents.

And yes, I chose those words abuse and bullying on purpose.

If you've been reading here for awhile, you know this is a hot button for me, as well as topic of a number of posts - the two that best describe how I feel about this are here and here.

The net of those two posts is that adoptive parents aren't the stars of the adoption show. By and large, our experience is marked by gain - a child added to our family, parenting added to our life experience. Adoptees and first parents, on the other hand, can never live adoption without loss. They may find ways to keep it from derailing them, but it's never gone from their lives.

At any rate, the posts and comments I found this weekend demonstrate a pattern of verbal and emotional insult that have become rampant in the online adoption world, and maybe in some real-life adoption communities as well. The trend is disturbing.

Let's start with the preaching, shall we?

We live in a country that guarantees religious freedom for our citizens. Whatever faith you choose to follow and how deeply you choose to follow it is your personal decision. It should be a private matter, but in our increasingly religiously-charged world, plenty of people think it's perfectly OK to share their beliefs uninvited.

With the "Christian adoption movement" (which makes the, in my opinion, unreasoned case that since there are references to God's adoption of humanity in the Bible, we are all called to adopt children) I'm seeing a lot more overt religion in online adoption dialog. It scares me at the best of times, because I personally believe this notion is way off the theological mark. It's one thing for religious organizations to encourage their members to adopt children truly in need; everyone should have a care for others. But it's another thing entirely for them to try to make the case that God had anything like current adoption practices in mind when He inspired the scriptural passages that speak to huiothesia, the Greek word often translated as "adoption."

Add the Bible's judgment of sex outside of marriage to the belief that you've been "called to adopt," throw in some bad manners, and you've got the perfect recipe for an AP bully pulpit that is increasingly out of control. I don't know where adoptive parents get the idea that they have the right to inform unmarried first parents of their "sinfulness," to judge them, or to offer to save their souls. We have no such right - none whatsoever.

Now on to the bullying.

Language is powerful. It can wound as deeply as any knife, and when used to harm, can drive people to dispair and even suicide. Words can trigger wonderful memories and bad ones. Nowhere is this truer than in the adoption world.

It is simply not OK for ANY adoptive parent or would-be AP to resort to terms like "breeder" or (my jaw is still on the floor with this one) "brood sow" or "uterus" or any other such words to label first mothers. It's cruel, it's wrong, and frankly I'm sick of seeing it.

What utterly shocks me is the fact that you can find APs using this kind of language publicly and with impunity. Do they stop to think of what their child's mother might think if they saw it? Or their child? Worse still, maybe they don't care. I honestly don't get what any AP could possibly think makes this acceptable. No heated dialog, no difference of opinion, nothing justifies it.

Please, everyone, when you see this going on, stand up and say something. We need to send the message loud and clear that adoptive parent preaching and bullying are wrong.

John Raible gets the last word on adoption disruption

2010-04-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

You absolutely must read this post: Sticking with a wounded child.

I have nothing to add; John says it all.

Epiphany

2010-04-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

I have figured out why I have been so verklemmt ...

... Facebook.

I've been sitting here for over three hours wanting to catch up on blogs and maybe even write something, but instead I've wandered back and forth between Google Reader and Facebook, basically wasting the entire three hours. And tonight's not the only night I've done that this week, although I've been sitting here longer than most.

I love the mindless chatter over there, but clearly it isn't good for production. I am going to have to break that habit.

Quick Update

2010-04-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Content removed by author.

Out of touch with adoption reality

2010-04-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

In a comment on my last post, I said, I think this shows how out of touch the majority of people are with the REALITY of adoption. No wonder we can't get their attention on open
records.

I found a perfect example of what I mean: Foreign adoptions usually turn out well, experts say.

An adoption attorney, Rob Kirsh of Memphis, leads the story by giving us his opinions on this little boy's return to his native Russia. The article states that "Kirsh is an expert on adoptions and although he specializes in infant adoptions, he's very familiar with the international process as well."

"It gives adoption a bad name," he said. "I know when someone handles an adoption thoughtfully, it's wonderful -- it's a win-win-win for the birth mother, the child and the adoptive parents."

Kirsh goes on to give sage advice on adoption alternatives for prospective adoptive parents:

"I suggest people who are considering adoption look at all types," he said. "If they want to save a a life, an international adoption is the way to do it. If they want to save a teenager's life, DCS, Department of Children's Services, is the best way. If they want an infant adoption, they can go through an agency or a private attorney."

This AP-centric adoption menu misses the point of adoption - to serve children who truly need families - entirely. No wonder prospective adoptive parents get the impression that adoption exists to serve their selfish desires (I put myself in this category, because gosh knows that it was all about me when we set out to adopt our kids) and savior complexes.

I sincerely wish that individuals who purport themselves to be "adoption experts" had the sense to point out its complexities, loss, pain, injustices (think closed records) and misuses, every single time they spoke. When they run back to that old win-win-win every time something negative about adoption appears in the media, we all lose an opportunity to address the things about adoption that we so desperately need need to change.

No shades of gray

2010-04-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

Blogland and Facebook are buzzing with posts and discussions about the seven-year-old little boy's return to Russia by his adoptive mother. I'm sure the forums are, too, but you know how much trouble I get into there, so I'll trust you all to share what you hear.

There were several comments in one Facebook discussion that demonstrated empathy for the boy's adoptive mother. They pointed out - rightfully so - how incredibly difficult it is for adoptive parents (I would say any parents) to raise a child with serious emotional and attachment issues. Several shared personal experiences or those of friends who have struggled for years raising children whose illness sometimes are never resolved.

That kind of pain is something I haven't shared, but can only imagine. And what I imagine is a parenting experience largely devoid of the joys that I have taken for granted watching my kids grow to adulthood. I doubt I would have had the strength to face the pain that many parents have faced as they have tried, often unsucessfully, to help their children find balance in life.

It's therefore not for me to judge the decision of any adoptive parent to terminate the adoption of a child with serious emotional illness. To be honest, it bothers me that this avenue exists for adoptive parents, and more so that there are people out there who seem to see this as perfectly acceptable in adoption. Case in point are the comments on this post, which I stumbled on in a google search for posts about this case. You'll know the ones I mean, which I'm not entirely sure don't belong to a troll. But presuming they're not - well, when people look at kids as chattel, no wonder adoption practices can be as screwed up as they sometimes are. Maybe this is the mindset that makes Sheriff Boyce skeptical about whether or not a crime was committed when that little boy was put on that plane.

But back on topic: I am unqualified to speak about the challenges of raising children with serious emotional and attachment issues. I know, though, that some of you who read here have faced or are facing them right now. I have several real life friends who have also done so. I've watched them struggle with the pain and exhaustion of it all, and with the sorrow for their children's loss of childhood and secure relationships. Even though I haven't experienced it myself, I know from what I've observed that it's very hard. But none of you or them have turned to the solution we witnessed this week.

As this story unfolds, we'll undoubtedly learn some things that may share some of the blame around with other individuals and agencies involved in this adoption. But no matter what mitigating facts may come to light in this incredibly sad story, we have to be careful not to dismiss this action because of them.

Some things are just plain wrong. Sometimes there are no shades of gray.

Adoption nightmare at 30,000 feet

2010-04-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

I decided today that I would blog a little tonight. I'm actually putting a toe back into the waters of adoption tomorrow, and will be going to the Barker Foundation's annual conference.

Didn't have to look far for material. This has me speechless.

The how and why and who of the story have been rolling around in my head since I read the first article - there are a gazillion out there, including this one, which points out some critical information: a young Russian boy was adopted in September of last year and seen by social workers, who found nothing of concern, this past January. Eight months total in which to decide a seven-year-old child is beyond help, and to place him on a plane to fly back to an uncertain future.

The Voice of Russia carries several articles: here and here, and this reaction from Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.

With respect, President Medvedev: An intergovernmental agreement isn't what's needed. The human will to overhaul adoption practices, domestic and intercountry, to ensure they focus on the needs of children who truly need families is needed far more - as well as the bureaucratic balls to get the savior mentality out of adoption so prospective adoptive parents can enter into it with realistic expectations.

I do not deny that the adoptive parent in this instance may have found herself in a situation she hadn't anticipated with a child who needed more help than she could provide. But to condemn such a young boy and move in such a short timeframe to the dramatic action she chose - something is just plain wrong about that. No matter her fear, the a-mother made a commitment to this child that she clearly took lightly.

What really scares me, too, is this, from the ABC News article:

This is a touchy deal and I'm not sure if anything illegal has been done or not," Boyce said.

The sheriff said, "Our plan is to have the adoption agency check with the people in Moscow or whatever part of Russia they're in and check with this child and see if they see signs of abuse."

Boyce said he intended to move slowly and carefully in his investigation.

"We're breaking new ground here... There may be no crime at all when you really get down to it. Maybe some bad judgment in the way she turned this child back," he said.

"Bad judgment?" Does Sheriff Boyce honestly believe it's OK to put seven-year-olds on one-way flights without assurance that they will be cared for when they arrive at their destination? This little one wasn't flying to Dubuque to see grandma - Grandma put him on a plane all by himself, with a note telling a driver they had hired at the other end to take him to Russia's department of education. Imagine a seven-year-old arriving at Dulles, being picked up by a strange driver, taken downtown and dropped at the front desk of DoE - it's mind-boggling. And it's abandonment.

Or does Sheriff Boyce somehow see this as less-than-criminal because this child was adopted? I shudder to think that's the case. It is certainly not outside the realm of possibility for a biological parent to do the same thing to a child with a passport from another country. I wonder if Sheriff Boyce would consider the same action criminal in that case. If so, then the whole thing makes me sicker still.

The adoption of an older child is a serious and complex undertaking. It should never be considered by someone whose eyes aren't wide open to the possibility that the child could experience serious emotional illness. Clearly, an adoptive parent who gives up on a seven-year-old after eight months was unprepared, no matter how you look at it.

Unbelievably sad, most of all for this child.

Reactions from a few adoption organizations:

Joint Council on International Children's Services
National Council for Adoption

Grown and all-but-grown

2010-04-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

The Boy turned 21 today. The Girl turned 19.

We went down to Charlottesville yesterday to spend Easter with The Boy and celebrate his coming of age. Thanks to the miracle of Skype, The Girl joined us virtually for cake, candles and opening presents. I had sent hers the week before, but the stinker couldn't wait for Sunday, and opened everything the day they came.

It was a good day, although it would have been better if The Girl had been home. It didn't help that there was another earthquake on the west coast this morning. Although the epicenter was in Baja California, The Girl felt it in LA. She talked to Third Dad about it, and appeared pretty nonplussed. I wasn't - seriously, it makes me nervous just thinking about it.

21. Just thinking about this makes my head spin. It'll probably spin right off when The Girl turns 21 in two years.

No one prepares you for this part of parenting. You can find books and classes on all kinds of parenting subjects, but I haven't found one yet that tells us how to parent ourselves through our children's entrance into adulthood.

It's a heck of a lot harder than I expected.

Verklemmt

2010-03-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

That's me. Verklemmt, and wondering if I'll ever come unstuck.

Don't know what to write. Don't know how to write anymore. Focusing on the hard reality of joblessness for the past couple of months has had the unintended consequence of robbing me of any imagination I might have had. It seems that life has become all about cold hard facts - financial facts above all.

That and missing the kids. It's almost impossible for me to walk through a room, particularly the kids' rooms, without finding something that sends me back through time, often with the accompaniment of tears. This week Third Dad found a source for many sobs while cleaning out a couple of drawers in one of our bedroom chests.

First, there was the little paper heart, folded in half all taped up with two dimes inside. In The Boy's nearly-illegible handwriting is a note that says Dear Mom, who do I wish a Merry Christmas? Inside I can make out YOU above the dimes that have dropped to the bottom of the folded heart. Third Dad also found a note from The Girl, this one written neatly on lined paper with two dimes and a nickel taped below the signature, dated Dec. 24, 1999: Dear Mom, Please keep the 25 cents I gave you, because its a present from me. You can do whatever you want with it. Love, The Girl.

Just writing this is making me cry. I miss the kids so incredibly much. I don't know why I have found it so hard to watch them go off to college, I don't know if what I'm feeling is typical or over the top - I only know that when I walk into their empty rooms that I think my heart will break. And unlike the feelings that brought me here way back when, I just don't know how to put this pain into words.

Which brings me to adoption. When I first started writing here, I came because I yearned to know my children's mothers. No offense to their fathers, but I really only wanted to know the women who might have ushered them through growth, just as they ushered them into the world. But it's so very odd - these women have been an incredible presence in my life from the first moment The Boy was placed in my arms, but now that the kids are walking over the threshold to adulthood (The Boy turns 21 in a week, my friends), their presence is fading. Becoming less real, more distant, and hazier.

I don't understand why. I've heard many times that when Korean mothers move into their 40s, which my children's mothers are, even older, they sometimes find the strength to search. Perhaps it's because they've raised other children and feel more confident in their ability to control the circumstances and outcomes. Or maybe they just can't stand the pain of the loss anymore. I honestly don't know, but I've heard this from Korean social workers more than once, and have done a lot of hoping for it. But just as we reach the point at which these women just might start reaching out, I find my emotional connection to them become more and more diffuse.

I remember writing a post several years ago in which I imagined Third Dad and I were bystanders at the first meeting of The Boy and his mother. Although I said at the beginning of the post that it was fiction, the majority of the commenters believed the meeting had taken place. I ultimately took the post down, because it was causing so much confusion, and I frankly began to be embarrassed that I had imagined the event so vividly. It was over the top, no doubt, but heartfelt, completely and utterly heartfelt. But today when I think about such a meeting, I find it hard to marshall similar emotions.

In a way it makes me angry that so much emotion can be directed at such an important relationship, to no avail. It makes me angry, just as this post that Susan wrote earlier in the month made me feel. Relationships are difficult at the best of times, but with adoption in the picture, they become impossibly, ridiculously complicated.

Now, I know that I really have no right to meet my children's mothers. I'm not suggesting that my desire to do so is in any way equivalent to the adoptee experience; everything I've written here comes from a heart that knows its place, and can accept the loss. But can my children do that? Does anyone have the right to expect them to?

No. Yet here we are in a world that thinks it's perfectly normal.

Makes me angry and sad and tired. And, except for little venting posts like this one, nearly silent on the subject these days.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave and put it all right, because talking about it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

Return policy

2010-03-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

Think about this next time you're discussing relinquishment revocation issues with someone and they don't get it. Many thanks to Jennifer Kwon Dobbs for this powerful reminder of how ridiculous it is to expect a woman to be able to make as momentous a decision as surrender in just a few days:

60 days = timeframe to return to Target a lamp you don't like but
72 hours = max proposed timeframe for deciding your family's future fate

Now, continue thinking about this in the context of this Korea Times article about Korean Health and Welfare Minister Jeon Jae-hee. To counteract Korea's low birth rate, Ms. Jeon proposes early dismissal evenings, matchmaking programs, and speed-dating events to encourage Koreans to take the plunge and procreate. Clever woman!

It should come as no surprise that there's no mention of support for single mothers in the article.

VOTE! Get the original birth certificate issue before President Obama!

2010-03-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

I owe a whole lotta people a whole lotta thanks about a whole lotta stuff, and will write about that over the weekend. Before I started my new job my brain was mush from the unemployment experience - now it's mush from everything I'm learning! All good, just lots and lots of it.

Right now, though, I need you to head on over to Change.Org and VOTE! If we can keep the issue of adoptee rights to their original birth certificates in 10th place or higher, it will get President Obama's attention - at least that's what I've been told. Because I'm so out of the loop you guys probably know this already, but I got an email that we slipped a little recently, so if you've posted about it already, please bump it up.

You can vote multiple times, so bookmark the site and visit often!

Watching women gain strength ...

2010-03-03T17:37:00.000-08:00

... is a beautiful thing to see.

It's especially beautiful for me to watch Korean mothers face the challenge of taking control of their futures. It will be no mean feat for them to do this, given the patriarchial nature of Korean society. But they're doing it all the same - standing up, speaking out, demanding the right to be mothers to the children they carried.

I often wonder what my children's mothers think when they read these articles. They undoubtedly read them, because the topic is one that's often in the Korean news. I'm sure they feel regret when they read stories about women who buck the system and keep their babies; resignation, too. And sadness mixed with a little fear, I think, when they imagine how their lives might have unfolded had they made the same decision. Yes, I'm sure they feel all of these and more.

I hope, though, that sorrow isn't the only emotion these articles bring to them. I hope that the experiences of the women in these articles gives my children's mothers the courage to do what they haven't allowed themselves to do before: Reach out to their children. I hope and pray that reading about women like Choi Houng-suk gives strength to those who couldn't find it before, to seek and hopefully find the children they surrendered.

I like to imagine my children's mothers reading articles like these, the possibility of reunion turning in their minds, hands reaching tentatively for telephones or paper to take the first tenuous steps. Whenever I read one, my thoughts and prayers inevitably start to say just do it.

Start looking. You will find your child. He is here. She is here. Safe and sound and waiting to know you.

More here:

Reaching out to unwed mothers
Raising child not a matter of choice
Unmarried mothers coming out of isolation
Helping our single mothers

First day down

2010-02-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

And it went well, very well.

I'm exhausted - no wonder since I've been lounging around the house for the past couple of months. Heh. Nah, it's actually information overload. I've had a crash course in mortgage banking plus the usual first-day orientation stuff. My head is swimming.

First project meeting is tomorrow - no fooling around here. I'll be starting with two projects, and a third is waiting for after I get a little more acclimated. I will be busy, and I'm glad.

Unexpectedly good: my new commute. Got there and back in about 45 minutes, and that includes driving in freezing rain on the way home.

Unexpectedly bad: I accidentally reset the combination lock that tethers my new laptop to my desk. How embarrassing to have to call the helpdesk on Day 2 and explain that one.

All in all, a very satisfying day.

And I'm not going to talk about it anymore. I'm really ready to get back to other topics.

Undeserved

2010-02-20T04:08:00.000-08:00

Grown in My Heart has a list up of the 101 Best Adoption, Loss and Infertility Blogs. This blog is undeservedly in the list. I thank Grown in My Heart for including me, but can't for the life of me think of why. I haven't said an intelligent word about adoption here for a long time - partially because of recent work events, but not entirely.

I've been struggling on the adoption front for awhile now with the feeling that always pointing out the bad stuff doesn't really help improve adoption. Part of this is due to the fact that I just can't shake that feeling of hypocrisy that has dogged my writing since the very beginning - that feeling that because I have benefited so much from adoption that I really shouldn't be pointing fingers at others, especially when I myself was truly waffle-headed about adoption issues at the onset of this journey. I knew nothing and thought little about first parent loss, accepted our agency's party line, and moved forward. It has always seemed a little disingenuous for me to be bashing the bad guys when I was pretty much the same way back when.

Maybe still in more ways than I realize.

Seeing my blog on that list is a bit of a wake up call. I really need to get through this mindset and figure out what I want to say, because it's in there. I'm just not sure how to get it out of my head, particularly now with all the life-changes going on. (On that front, I start the new job on Monday - I'm really excited, a little nervous, but most just grateful to be re-employed.)

I will work on that. In the meantime, I thank those of you who have started following when I'm not even writing. And I thank GIMH for a shout-out that I most definitely do not deserve.

The foulest four-letter word: S _ _ W!

2010-02-10T04:41:00.000-08:00

The first round (really the second, because we had one almost this big in December) was daunting. But we treated it like an adventure, didn't really mind the power outage and took the muscle aches that resulted from the shoveling in stride.

We were proud of ourselves for digging out - Third Dad even got his car uncovered and built himself a little snow-bordered parking spot for it. He sawed up all the downed branches, too - there are enough to build ourselves a new tree. Yesterday morning we got out, the streets were fine, we ran a bunch of errands and felt like life was returning to normal.

But it's not. We have another six inches on the ground already, there's more on the way, and I can now say with conviction:

THIS IS NO FUN ANYMORE.

With every creak of the house I think the roof is caving in. Practically nothing melted up there from the first snow because the power was out when it feel, so there's a lot of weight bearing down on our heads. The thought of more shoveling has my right shoulder attempting to run for the hills.

I think you guys in the midwest and northeast get to join in the fun this time. I hope it's not as bad as down here - I think you all manage it a lot better than we do anyway. We just don't have the budget for the road chemicals, although most jurisdictions have gotten a lot better in recent years. But this is more than we can keep up with.

On the positive front, I got all the offer materials for my new job via email this morning. Except for the drug test, the onboarding process is entirely online. That, plus taxes and this year's FAFSA will keep me busy until my target starting day, Monday after next. And maybe if I get done with all of this (and the new shoveling) by the end of the week, and I spend next week catching up on everyone's blogs!

The home stretch

2010-02-04T04:45:00.000-08:00

I got an offer.

A very good offer, a job with everything I have been looking for, and more. I'm still pinching myself, still not quite believing it happened.

I have to pass the background check and drug check, and need to go through the lengthy onboarding process, so I'm keeping all my options open until I'm absolutely certain it's a done deal. But given my boring life, unless chocolate is a drug, I think I'll pass these last hurdles without a problem.

And then, on February 22nd, my target first day, I will exhale. In the meantime, I am sending the most positive thoughts to every single person who is experiencing job loss. No one should go through this, everyone who wants to work should have a job. I want that for everyone in this boat with me.

I attribute my incredible good fortune to two things: the grace of God and the help of people who told me right out of the gate that a solid resume and throwing the net wide were the keys to success. Roberta of The Copywriting Maven, you were the first to make it clear that a resume has to show accomplishments, not just functions; you got the wheels turning and got me going. The coach at Impaxis, the career transition company my old employer made available to us riffees, gave me great advice and a cold-eyed resume review. Once I knew that my background had something to offer and was packaged well in my resume, I had the confidence to start sending it around. And boy, did I send it to a lot of places, some I knew I wouldn't qualify for, others that looked like dead ringers. Think throwing it on the wall to see what sticks.

I am feeling a sort of survivor's guilt, too. I know that those who read this who haven't yet found their new position will read it with a pang - gosh knows I've been feeling those pangs these past couple of months as my co-riffees found work. I hope, though, that anyone who is feeling that pang - really, anyone who is unhappy in their work, underemployed, overworked, whatever - and wants something new will go for it. Just go for it.

Everyone who starts at this company is on probation for 180 days. I think that's pretty common now, I think my previous employer did that, too. If all these final pieces fall into place and I really truly start on the 22nd, I want to work really really hard, to pass through that probation period successfully and to make this job my newest career. I have a lot - A LOT - to learn, because as I said I'm not a dead ringer. I bring a different perspective to the position, not to mention I have a whole lotta software to learn, plus a pretty complex financial subject area. I want to learn it all and just work really really hard for a long time.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone. Thank you very, very much.

And keep the fingers crossed that I get through these last gates!! It ain't over till it's over, and for me, over will be when I'm sitting in my new chair! Got a few things to do before then!!

From my little corner of DC

2010-01-26T05:25:00.000-08:00

Hi! Long time no write-read-etc.!

I've been busy, so I hope you'll forgive me. The job search is taking all my energy, and what little left is going to Korean Focus's annual lunar new year celebration and some much-needed work around the house. We've replaced the smoke detectors (did I tell you that already?) and yesterday successfully replace our old thermostat. I say successfully, because with all those wires, there's always the possibility that you end up with a lovely installation but no heat. But it worked!

The search is actually going well. I've had several interviews, one with good possibilities, the others a little more iffy, and have been cleared for another this week - it's a phone interview, tomorrow morning, for a cable company that has a bunch of project management positions available. What struck me positively about this one is that the recruiter kept stressing that they had a very collegial work environment, and would I be OK with that.

No, I much prefer a rigid, unfriendly environment, preferably with a miserable commute, because I've come to enjoy all the health problems that kind of stress brings. Plus, what will I do with all my ibuprofen if I can't bring that stress home with me?

I also got an email last Friday requesting that I come to a job fair at a company I applied to late last year. I had actually applied for a job there by accident (don't ask) and declined the immediate request to interview for it. It was just too much of a stretch for me, something I wasn't at all interested in. I later applied for another more appropriate position, and apparently my resume is being reviewed there. The job fair is today.

So keep your fingers crossed.

I've found that the search has found a stride. I'm trying to keep a normal schedule, so I am continuing to get up early, maybe not quite as early as before, but early. I spend the morning on the PC on the job boards, searching company websites, putting in applications, etc. Mid-day is for errands, then more follow-up until about 3 PM. And then I do a little housework or laundry, or relax. I've been knitting, have the first of three 2010 holiday presents almost done already.

I was doing a lot of walking before the holidays, and will be getting back to that now that the weather has broken a bit. It got terribly wet, and although I could walk on the treadmill I kind of fell out of the habit, so I will be getting back to that ASAP. I should have started yesterday - it got up to the 60s here, we even opened the windows in the afternoon.

The one and only thing I'm NOT really thrilled with is being house-bound. Although I worked from home before from time to time, I'd prefer not to, so being home all the time is getting a little boring. I'm glad to have this job fair to go to, and was also glad to have those on-site interviews last week.

The kids are doing well, both of them are knuckling down for tough semesters. The Boy added a philosophy course to his schedule because he felt it was too light, and now he's up to his ears in work. The Girl's schedule is also rough, plus she has tournaments starting now. She'll be in Las Vegas over Valentine's Day weekend; Third Dad wants to go, but WOW I never knew what a draw Vegas was on Valentine's Day! Airfare is astronomical, so unless we can find a bargain, he may have to miss it. Fortunately, The Girl will be driving from LA with her roommate and won't have to pay for a plane ticket.

On the adoption front: If my recent employment experience has taught me anything related to adoption, it's that the belief that a traditional two-parent family is always best is unrealistic. Frankly, I believe it should be removed from the discussion of adoption altogether, because it moves the dialog from how we can provide support to families in need of support to parent, to how we remove children from families that don't meet our fabricated norm to those that do.

But how quickly our "perfect" families can change! In my family's case, loss of employment could spell serious trouble, and may still if I don't find a position soon. In other cases, divorce or the death of a parent may shake the family's foundation. In my circle of adoptive parent friends, all of these have come to pass. No adoptive family is immune from the challenges that faced the families our children were born to. Our preferential position is really based on the misguided belief that what is stable one day will always be stable - and everyone should know that this simply isn't how life works.

Please don't misunderstand: I'm not saying that there's no room for adoption, or that it's never a better course of action for a child. I'm just saying that the speed with which we turn to adoption to solve transient problems is illogical, and keeps us from addressing resolvable problems that keep some parents from keeping their children.

Back to the job boards - and like I said, keep those fingers crossed! You'll be the first to know if and when something pops.

PS: Thank you to all the new readers for stopping by! I want to alert you - and you old-timers, too - that I've reinstated my blogroll page. I think people like to peruse blogrolls to find new blogs to read, plus with Google Reader it's dead easy to maintain, so it's back. If I have missed you or any blog you think is a good one, let me know. Since I've been otherwise occupied these past couple of months, I'm way behind finding new blogs, so be sure to let me know about any good ones you've found. Enjoy!

So good to hear from you guys - and a little adoption talk

2010-01-12T08:55:00.000-08:00

You all do my heart good, that's for sure. Thanks for stopping by that last post, for the book suggestions, the general hellos and the good wishes. I feel really badly that I haven't commented - oh, heck, I haven't even read - any blogs lately, so forgive me. I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things, and sooner or later will stop by to visit. But I still feel badly that I've abandoned all the good stuff you're reading, so please also leave links to any of your recent posts that you'd like me to read.

I did see a link on Facebook that I've shared there and am passing on to everyone: Rethinking Consent to Adoption by Jennifer Kwon Dobbs, Jane Jeong Trenka and Tobias Hübinette. It talks to the issue of the consent period prior to the surrender of a child for adoption, and points out that the Korean Ministry of Health, Welfare and Family is considering setting this timeframe at 72 hours.

72 hours. Who, after giving birth, could possibly be ready to make such a momentus decision within 3 days? There are a gazillion studies that show the impact of the hormones in the system following birth alone would render this decision faulty. It's sad that Korea doesn't appear to be looking at other models that provide a more reasonable period of time for women to make such a decision.

The Ministry says their decision is based in concern for the child, whom they believe could be harmed if the relinquishment period were extended. Although the article doesn't explain where this fear comes from, I suspect it's the same point of view that we see in the U.S. in the safe haven discussion, in which concern for the exceptional cases leads to laws that negatively impact the majority.

No one wants to see a child harmed because his or her mother was unable or unwilling to seek care. We shouldn't, however, look at nearly-immediate family separation as the best means for preventing this. It seems to me that there are a host of other options in between, but we're forcing ourselves to take sides rather than openly discuss them.

I had an interesting discussion with a friend over the weekend on a related subject, but will put that in another post. In the meantime, read the article - and don't forget to add links to your best posts so I can start catching up there first!

PS: Just got an email with the latest issue of Adoption Today - I have an article in this issue, Empty Nest, Full Heart, page 18. Let me know what you think.

I know. I owe you an update.

2010-01-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

Well. Where do I even begin?

How about I start with what I should have posted a week ago: Happy New Year to everyone! Whatever holidays you may celebrate, I hope they were filled with all good things.

Ours certainly was. We went to Ohio for a few days, not as long as usual, but packed with family and lots of fun. I honestly can't believe the holidays are behind us already; they just flew by. We still haven't taken our decorations down, but plan on getting everything put away by the weekend. I don't really want to, but I guess it's time.

No, I haven't found new employment yet. But it's OK. I've reconciled myself to the fact that this will take a bit of time - just hopefully not the better part of the year. I'm blanketing the earth with resumes, and have spent a lot of time working on mine to improve it. Turned out that part of our severance is quite a few hours of support from a career transition company with a significant resource library. In addition to a lot of templates and other guides, my - ahem - coach reviewed my resume and offered some good advice on how to improve it. Plus there's a lot online at other sites, too.

So I'm looking. I've actually had a call completely out of the blue about a job that turned out to be more software than telecommunications focused, but it was kind of neat that someone actually saw the resume. I'm targeting companies I'd like to work for, in addition to responding to pretty much every close fit that comes through the boards. Plus networking, of course, although my network isn't what it used to be given that I've been in internal positions for a few years. But I'm digging out contacts, and they're very receptive to sharing my information. So hopefully over time some good possibilities will begin to emerge.

One other good thing: turns out the company pays our medical for 37 weeks. That really helps.

The Girl came home early in December and has already returned to school, but The Boy will be here until the 18th. We all got up at the crack of dawn to take The Girl to the airport on Sunday, and I of course cried like a baby. I'm really questioning the wisdom of having encouraged her to go out there. Yes, I know she needs to live her dream, but honestly, it's hard. Not that I'd ever tell her to come home, mind you. I want her and The Boy to spread their wings. I'm just a little aggravated that The Girl's dream took her so far away.

Speaking of The Boy: he's been hanging around the house a lot, which I'm loving since I'm here. I told him to start running for the hills after The Girl went back since I knew I would be pretty clingy, but he's been a really good sport about it. His new hobby is cooking - he got two Asian cookbooks and the Alton Brown book for Christmas, and it's amazing how much time he spends reading them. He cooked a really interesting Bobby Flay chipotle barbecued flank steak before Christmas that was amazing. What a foodie!

As for adoption: well, I honestly have been so preoccupied with the business at hand that I haven't read a blog or an article or paid a bit of attention to anything in the adoption world since the shoe dropped. I need to get back into the fray, I know, but it probably will take time. Korean Focus is having its annual Lunar New Year celebration on February 6th (all you DC folks, don't miss it!), so that's pulling me back into things a bit. But I just don't have the energy to fight battles right now. Probably makes no sense since I have more time, but it doesn't seem like the best use of my time right now.

I'm trying to keep a normal schedule - still getting up early, hit the job boards, investigate companies and network all morning, take a break for lunch, and then back at it until late afternoon. I need to start exercising again, too; the holidays have taken their toll, oh were there goodies around! It's been so dang cold that I haven't wanted to go outside, but I'll be starting that tomorrow.

Let's see ...

The Girl bought Inglourious Basterds with a gift card; I hadn't seen it so we watched it before she went back. The verdict's out for me. Beginning and end were good, but the middle kind of went on and on. She also made me watch The Hangover - ai yi yi, could a movie be any stupider? I laughed myself silly, though.

No new books this holiday. What are you guys reading? I'm working on Burning Bright by Tracy Chevalier - light, just what I need. Mindless is good in the evenings, so I've been knitting too. I finished an afghan in the most luscious purple color for myself that I'd been working on for about the entire year, and then went on a scarf binge and knitted five different scarfs. One was with ribbon yarn that really came out nicely; it was the same color as the one in the picture. The Girl took one made with faux fur year for a gift exchange, which made me happy. I'm now working on a beautiful afghan for next holiday with this gorgeous yarn called Homespun. I will need to make two of these, one for each brother and family.

So that's the scoop. Now, could you guys catch me up on what's hot in the adoption world?

From our winter wonderland

2009-12-21T05:33:00.000-08:00

We had a little snow.

This was definitely one of the biggest snows I've experienced in over 30 years in DC, and the biggest we've had in this house. Although the shoveling (and shoveling, and shoveling, and shoveling ...) has been a bit of a drag, it was absolutely beautiful waking up on Saturday to this snow-covered world. It started after 9 on Friday, and literally poured down until almost the same time the next day.

The Girl loves the stuff, so she's been going out, walking to friends' houses, helping with the shoveling. The Boy, on the other hand, is decidedly nonplussed; we forced him to help with the sidewalks, but other than that, he's avoided the stuff.

On the employment front: I am so done with this company. I had a terrific interview two weeks ago, the director wanted me for the position, put the paperwork into HR to process, and out of the blue (and without the knowledge of every single HR rep she and I have spoken to since then except the one handling this transfer) a "new rule" popped up that prevents employees from taking positions at lower pay grades. What they're saying is that since my division merged with the other one before Thanksgiving, the other division's rules now take precedence. They apparently have this rule, although no one has ever heard of it, and they forgot to let the rest of the HR department know about it.

I was angry, but then had an epiphany: Why the hell should I grovel for a job I don't really want when they are putting up so many roadblocks? I started envisioning dragging myself the 40 miles back to the office for the job I interviewed for, and although I believe the job and team would have been great, I realized I just don't want to go to that place anymore.

I've been spending a lot of time online looking for jobs, and there are some really good ones out there doing things I'd rather be doing. I have to believe ONE of them will come my way. Although I do believe workers in my age group aren't much wanted, I believe someone will look beyond that to my skills and experience. My severance package is really good, on top of that they're paying me through the end of the year, so I think I'm going to cast my fate to the winds and give it a shot. I need to do something I like for a change.

It's scary, no question about that, to leave behind an 18-year career at my age. But it's also exhiliarating to think that I could do something that uses a broader range of my skills while being less demoralizing. So, with thanks for all of your support so far, I ask you to keep the good thoughts coming!!

I hope you're all having a great holiday, whatever holiday you may celebrate! I really truly am.

A little update

2009-12-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

I've been very quiet. Honestly, I'm turned so inward at the moment that I'm at risk for turning myself inside out.

First, on the job front: I had TWO interviews at my company last week. One director is working on the details, which I hope don't derail the possibility of my joining her team. I liked the work, and although it's a downgrade, it's better than the alternative. Plus, to be honest, the job itself is MUCH more interesting than what I've been doing, and I liked the manager I'll be working closely with a lot. In an effort to try to keep things like, I tried a little light humor, and he laughed out loud, several times. It would be really great to work with someone who laughs after the bunch I've been with the past two years.

Then, out of the blue, I got a call for another position, one I didn't apply for. HR apparently sent my resume, which wasn't even a match. But apparently the project management and operations experience in my background is something this team needs. They do audits of internal processes and organizations, and lack the operational skills I have in spades. So it's another possibility.

The Girl is home, came home Tuesday. It's been great having her here, she doesn't allow me to get too depressed. The Boy, in typical fashion, has told us that he'll be home Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, and will not pin it down. So I'll be ready for him today.

Thank you all for your emails and messages. Please keep everything crossed, and send good thoughts to the hiring managers!!

The shoe dropped

2009-11-25T15:15:00.000-08:00

The news wasn't good. I'm OK, still rocky but more angry than terrified. Scared, worried, but not terrified. The buyout will take care of college for the kids; we'll figure the rest of it out, and honestly, maybe this is the kick in the pants I've need to get out of the miserable telecommunications industry. It's a rat hole. Can you hear me now???

Being a little circumspect because The Girl doesn't know - this is why I'm saying nothing on Facebook. The Boy does - he is a brick, honestly, he's completely unfazed, totally confident that something will come up. He told me to look in the food industry, or to get a job at the local elementary school so I could walk to work. Heh.

I stepped away from the Adoptive Parents for Open Records group, and apologize to the entire adoption community for it. The group remains on Facebook, but I'm not administering it anymore. Volunteers are welcome. The Adoptive Parents for Open Records blog is hidden, but waiting for better times and more volunteers. I've still got Korean Focus to worry about, so I hope you understand that if I spend any volunteer time anywhere, it's got to be with KF.

Because I saw this coming, I cleaned out the worst of my stuff before I left the office last week. I spent the first day crying, the second day spiffing up my resume and applying for jobs within the company, and today dreaming about the jobs I could do and still make enough money to keep us afloat. I found two and applied for both with my now-very-spiffy resume. One is program manager for a local university's (and my alma mater's) continuing education Masters in Real Estate program. The other is a program management position for an education and health care think tank. I know that both are likely to come up empty, because that's the way it is. But just seeing a couple of jobs that I'd love to do out there was heartening, and actually got me a little excited about possibilities.

I have to work through the COBRA stuff, that's key. I can go commando and we can set the kids up with the health insurance at their schools, but Third Dad cannot be without. Much research to do here. I heard from a friend who was riffed in the summer that there's some connection at my company between taking COBRA and keeping retiree health benefits. I'm gonna be retired a lot longer than I'm going to be unemployed, so I need to get this figured out fast.

As for the miserable little men who are responsible for this blip on my radar screen: fc*k 'em. I have been sending the head jerk kinesthetic wedgy messages all day, and sincerely hope his shorts have been up his rear end all day long. The other is so incredibly pathetic that I wish him well, just far away from me.

I learned an important lesson this week, and will take it with me into the future: When someone loses a job, do not send them an email that says "Oh, I'm so sorry. Best of luck in the future." Keep your fingers off the keyboard and your thoughts to yourself.

Instead, do as my colleague CL did. Pick up the phone. Send contacts. Call back. Listen, to venting and crying. Share ideas. Tell the person to buck up. Remind them that they're strong, and will do what they have to do. For this man's deeply human and incredibly helpful response, I will be eternally grateful. He made all the difference these past couple of days. God bless you, CL!

To every one of you who has stopped by during this wait:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I have stopped by between crying jags and resume updates, and seeing your messages helped ease the sense of rejection that comes with such an event. Your emails, too, have helped enormously. Special thanks to my faraway Kaaskopp friend (you know who you are) - your emails these past days have been a blessing. More special thanks to LD, whose private messages on Facebook brought me back to reality when fear was taking me to a very ugly place. And to Theresa: thank you very, very much for your support. You are without a doubt one of the strongest people I know.

OK. Now off to take life by the horns and do what I have to do.

Which is get the fixings ready for tomorrow!

A paralyzing wait

2009-11-18T05:52:00.000-08:00

Apologies for being absent here. Things at work are very serious at the moment, and the stress of waiting to know if I'm going to have a job here next year or not has pretty much reduced me to a stressed-out wreck. I won't find a comparable job in this economy at my age (old enough to a parent to most of you), which means that life as my family knows it will be pretty much over.

I'm not the only one by a long shot, so no messages of sympathy are necessary. Just want to explain why I don't have the energy for adoption issues right now.

A generation fights to reform adoption laws

2009-11-11T05:35:00.000-08:00

Must read: A generation fights to reform adoption laws.

I understand this far too well:

They found that in some cases an orphan hojeok (family registry) is produced for a child sent for international adoption, even if the child has a family. Contradictions were also found between the records held by adoptive parents and those kept by the adoption agency.

Which is why we have to think long and hard about this:

The majority of children relinquished for adoption in Korea are the children of unwed mothers. Of the 2,556 adoptions in 2008, international and domestic, 2,170 were the children of unwed mothers. Others were from low-income families or broken homes.

This picture will look different in Ethiopia, China or Russia or whatever placing country you may talk about, including the U.S. (yes, American children are adopted abroad.) Understanding these underlying causes for adoption is absolutely key to avoiding corrupt adoption practices.

Kudos to everyone in Korea who has been working to improve Korean adoption law and practice: Jane Jeong Trenka, TRACK, Reverend Kim Do-Hyun of KoRoot and those who weren't named in the article.

Beyond Culture Camp: New Donaldson Report

2009-11-10T05:23:00.000-08:00

From the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute,
a new report on adult adoptee identity issues:
Beyond Culture Camp: Promoting Healthy
Identity Formation in Adoption.

From the study's website:

The principal recommendations of the 112 page study include:

Expand parental preparation and post-placement support for those adopting across race and culture. Such preparation should include educating parents about the
salience of race across the developmental course, instruction about racial identity development and the tasks inherent in such development, and assistance in understanding racial discrimination and how best to arm their children to combat the prejudice and stereotypes they will face. Preparation also should include the understanding that seeking services and supports is a positive part of parenting - i.e., it is a sign of strength, not failure.

Develop empirically based practices and resources to prepare transracially and
transculturally adopted youth to cope with racial bias. This study, as well as previous research, indicates that perceived discrimination is linked with greater psychological distress, lower self-esteem, and more discomfort with one's race/ethnicity. Hence, it is essential to arm transracially adopted youth with ways to cope with discrimination in a manner that does not negatively impact their identity.

Promote laws, policies and practices that facilitate access to information for adopted individuals. For adopted individuals, gaining information about their origins is not just a matter of curiosity, but a matter of gaining the raw materials needed to fill in the missing pieces in their lives and derive an integrated sense of self. Both adoption rofessionals and the larger society need to recognize this basic human need and right, and to facilitate access to needed information for adopted individuals.

Educate parents, teacher, practitioners, the media and others about the realities of adoption to erase stigmas and stereotypes, minimize adoption-related discrimination, and provide children with more opportunities for positive development. Generations of secrecy, shame and stereotypes about adoption (and those it affects) have taken a toll, as the respondents in this research make clear. Just as discrimination based on color, gender, sexual orientation and religion - all components of people's identity -
are broadly considered to be socially unacceptable, adoption-related discrimination also should be unacceptable. Professionals and parents also need to be better informed about the importance of providing diversity and appropriate role models.

Increase research on the risk and protective factors that shape the adjustment of adoptees, especially those adopted transracially/culturally in the U.S. or abroad. More longitudinal research that combines quantitative and qualitative methods is needed to better understand the process through which children, teens and young adults progress in confronting transracial adoption identity issues. Additional research is also needed on the identity journey experienced by in-race adoptees - and, pointedly, more of the studies of every kind need to include the perspective of adopted individuals themselves.

More about the report in this New York Times article, Adopted From Korea and in Search of Identity.

I wish I was in Berlin

2009-11-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

20 Jahre Mauerfall - the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. If ever an event gives me hope for the future, it's this one.

I wish I could have been there then.

And I wish I could be there now.

Signs and wonders

2009-11-05T02:02:00.000-08:00

I read something recently on an adoptive parent's blog that's been keeping the wheels turning this week.

I'm not going to link to the blog in question unless permission is granted (if you figure out who you are, please leave a comment or send an email, and I'll add the link) because my goal in this post isn't to create more discord, it's simply to voice a few more thoughts about the discussion I read there.

The blogger is clearly devoted to her Christian faith, and therefore attracts others of like mind. The post I read linked to several others on the subject of adoption and Christianity, including one of mine. The ensuing comments, whether they agreed or not, were thoughtful and respectful. One of the commenters made the frequently-seen point that Christians are called to adopt because God set a precedent by adopting humanity. It got me thinking about the dangers of looking for signs and affirmations for the things we want to do.

Humanity has always loved signs. My own Catholic faith is loaded with them, which for me is a problem, because logic is my comfort zone. This doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t appreciate the serendipity that sometimes accompanies life’s events. It's all over my kids’ births and adoptions, and to someone who might be seeking it, point to a higher power’s approval of their presence in my family.

First, there’s the peculiar coincidence of their birthdays: they share the same one (don't ask) which happens to be Sikmogil 식목일 – Korea’s Arbor Day. If ever an image can conjure up adoption, it’s that of the tree: roots and branches, transplanted trees, and more. It was hard not to see providence at work here. My children’s roots are in Korea, but couldn’t be nourished there. By moving them here, their branches will thrive and can join our family tree!

Then come the arrivals. There are, as those of you who have adopted from Korea and are Catholic may know, 103 Korean saints, martyred in the 19th century and canonized in 1984. The Boy arrived on the Catholic feast of Andrew Kim Taegon, Paul Chong Hasang and Companions. His name is the same as one of the martyrs. What is God telling me here? He must be saying that this child was meant to arrive here, to this country, and join my family and my faith! He iced this cake by selecting another of these saints as his confirmation patron.

The Girl’s arrival also came with a message. She arrived on the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola, patron saint of soldiers and promoter of scholarship and learning. Hmmm. What’s God saying with this one? That this child will be a fighter of some sort? Maybe a scholar? If that happens, I’ll know she was meant to be ours! Well, The Girl is certainly a good student and fighter, no question about that! And when it came time for her to choose her confirmation saint, she chose St. Joan of Arc, another soldier saint. See? It's true!

I'd be a liar if I said these signs have no meaning to me. But I'd be a fool if I took them at face value.

Fact is that although a transplanted tree can survive, it should first be helped to thrive where it grows. Fact is, too, that when a tree must be moved, it should only be done with respect for where the roots first grew, for their desire to return, and with a care for those who experience the tree's departure in sadness.

Fact is that identifying a cultural coincidence is meaningless if we as adoptive parents ignore our responsibilities to respect and nurture our kids’ heritage, to protect their birth histories, and to welcome their birth families into ours.

Fact is that raising children out of poverty to be scholars and strong citizens isn't just the purview of adoptive parents - poor parents have the very same right. Helping their families to achieve the means we enjoy should be our primary focus.

When signs affirm something we desperately want to be true, they serve our wants and desires rather than the truth. This feeling is so comforting that some of us try to retrofit life events into them, even when the connections are forced and the messages perverted. I find this particularly sad when the sign is taken from a holy book, and when it excludes other equally-important messages from that same holy book demanding different behavior.

No action is moral if it ignores the bad fruits (think Matthew 7 16) that result from it. This happens in adoption; this good thing that so many promote has led to some appallingly rotten fruit from people who know how to game the system for personal, institutional or governmental profit. Even when an individual adoption is done ethically, if the adopter never gives a backward glance to the families left behind or forward glance to the rights of the adopted, the fruit is just as rotten.

Promoting material and social justice for surrendering parents and equal access to identity for adopted people has to be the starting point for any discussion of adoption. Promoting adoption without equally addressing these, and not just paying them lip service, creates a lie by omission, an untruth. This seems so incredibly clear to me, I honestly don't understand why people don't see it.

Maybe a sign would help.

National Adoption Awareness Month: Cause for celebration?

2009-11-02T05:26:00.000-08:00

It’s National Adoption Awareness Month - as if you haven’t been bombarded from every direction with announcements, events, celebrations, fundraisers and on and on and on. I wonder sometimes if my kids are asked about adoption more in November than other times of the year, but I suppose this is one of those things that we who live much of our lives in the adoption world are more tuned into than the average person. They've never mentioned it, so I suspect they're not even aware it exists.

I'm not interested in all the hype surrounding November's adoption focus - I wish instead that we could use National Adoption Awareness Month to step away from our deeply held points of view to consider the broader picture for awhile. I'd love to have the opportunity to get around a table with people who think just like me and nothing like me to discuss the challenges that face us all. It's really easy to view the entire experience of adoption through a single lens when you spend most of your time looking through it, and to lose sight of the fact that not every experience is the same.

So what do I really believe about adoption? What's my lens? Well, I believe that if parents aren't given the resources to parent, the adoption of their children by others is an inherently unjust act by governments, agencies and individuals, including me. I believe that the shame and stigma placed on single women in particular must stop. I also believe that secrecy has no place in adoption, and that in this country, our closed birth record laws are deeply unjust.

But as I say this, I have to acknowledge that there are children in every country on the planet whose parents will not parent them, even if sufficient resources are made available. As firmly as I believe women and families should be given the resources to parent their children, I believe children who are truly alone in the world, or whose parents and families refuse the assistance offered, deserve to grow up in families – in their birth countries if at all possible, but when not, in families in other countries. However, those families MUST recognize that they hold their children’s histories, heritage and genetic connections in trust, and must raise them in full knowledge of the identities that belong to them and them alone.

These two points of view conflict sometimes - no, practically all the time. This is probably why the adoption community is so polarized; it's hard to live in the paradox zone all the time. You question everything, and always feel like your point of view is on quicksand. Maybe my advanced age (heh) gives me an advantage; one of the things I've noticed lately is that I say it is what it is a lot - because it really IS what it is. And so it is with adoption: I find good in what dismays, and evil in the best of intentions.

And there is a lot of good work being done – look at what the Korean adoptee communityhas accomplished for themselves and single mothers in Korea! Adoptee organizations like ASK, G.O.A’L. and TRACK, and many hard-working individuals, are changing attitudes and laws in Korea. Other groups like MPAK and Adoptees for Children are doing equally good work on behalf of ethical adoption practices here and in Korea. Adoptive parents, too, are working for change: look at the Korean Unwed Mothers Network founded by Rick Boas, which has added its voice (in a blog, too) to the work being done in Korea by adoptees and unmarried mothers themselves.

There’s little room for differing points of view, though. I was incredibly disappointed to see a member of one group publicly insult someone with another point of view by name in a Facebook communication not long ago; that serves nothing but the ego of the insulter. It makes me wonder, too, if and how kids like mine – not particularly focused on adoption, comfortable in their Korean and Asian identities, and happy in our family – will be welcomed into the broader Korean adoption community. Will their identities and family be questioned with You drank the kool-aid or You’re in the adoption fog? Or will they be respected? It makes me sad to think that this may await them as they develop their own connections in the adoption community.

So am I celebrating National Adoption Awareness Month? Well, no. I celebrate my family every day of the year, so I don’t need November for that. According to the AdoptUSKids 2009 National Adoption Month Toolkit, there are 130,000 children available for adoption right now, which isn’t something to celebrate. Single Korean mothers are fighting an uphill battle to gain public support; heck, unmarried American women are still falling prey to unscrupulous adoption agencies. Religious zeal and skewed notions of charity in adoption have put the rights of poor or unmarried parents at risk. Adoptee birth certificates remain sealed in the majority of states.

No, no celebration here. Instead, I’ll be thinking of my kids’ Korean mothers and fathers, and praying that those I believe are still alive are well. I’ll be giving thanks for the incredible honor of being mom to two of the most amazing individuals on the planet. And I’ll be renewing my commitment to do what I can to promote justice on their behalf.

God adopted us, so adoption is good - right?

2009-10-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

With thanks to osolomama and Mirjam via email for the heads up, I’ve been chewing on this recently. I know many of you have been talking about it, too.

I’m not sure what it is about the kind of religious fervor I see in this post that disturbs me so much. The self-righteousness? The inflexibility? The narrow definition of Christianity (which is often so theologically incorrect as to no longer be in Christ’s ballpark)? The certainty that anyone who disagrees must be Godless, hate-filled and worthy of this much-better-Christian’s prayers?

All of the above and undoubtedly more. I'm a Christian (Catholic, so some may disagree - heh), but I simply don't relate to what I read in this post. My Christianity always taught me that no human being knows everything; that humility is one of the greatest virtues; and that love can’t coexist with force – physical, emotional, verbal, intellectual, or otherwise. I was also taught that many, maybe all, of the things Christ taught are found in other religious traditions, and that if you follow those teachings you in fact follow Him. No wonder a lot of the people I believe most deserve to be called Christians practice other faiths.

The post’s author writes with certainty. There’s no room for other points of view in his world, or on his blog for that matter; most comments are published with his rebuttal included, tit for tat. This blog proselytizes, and adoption (which nowadays is the subject of some of the most ill-reasoned and theologically unsound - but profitable! Think Russell Moore! - preaching these days) gets dragged along for the ride.

Clearly I don't like it. But I don’t like the some of the discussion and comments any better.

Don’t misunderstand: the post was very disturbing. I thought a lot of what I read in the comments, and worse. But there’s no point arguing with someone whose “worldview” (his word) equips him with the authority or pomposity to offer his prayers for everyone who disagrees with him. This individual’s mindset is locked down tightly, so tightly that all we commenters (yes, I commented, so I'm including myself in what I don't like) really did was provide prayer fodder.

In my opinion, the bigger challenge is to extricate adoption practice from the clutches of faith-based agencies that promote such behaviors. I don’t believe all faith-based adoption agencies fall into this category; there are some that are doing good work, and a few that are downright progressive. But the "Christian adoption movement," which some Christians claim has been given God’s approval because he “adopted” us, has become something unto itself. When you read the sites of those who promote it, you find that it no longer has anything to do Christ or Christianity or Christ-like behavior, but instead is all about pounding the point home that because that because there are five references to God's adoption of humanity in the Bible, we should all go out and adopt. Those who do adopt get a kind of theological atta-boy: See we adopted an orphan, and since God adopted us this is a good thing and we’re good people!

Never mind that the orphan wasn’t one, or that the adoption process was shot with injustice, or that the family who lost their child remains mired in poverty or misfortune. We'll pray for them.

Getting our legal system to understand the danger of this kind of adoption, which has given itself the mandate of heaven and set itself above the law, is the real issue in my opinion. We’ll never make this point in one-on-one debates with the people who believe in it. We need to get credible adoption organizations to start making the point at much higher levels. Hopefully the current political climate will make it possible for them to do so.

For those of you who, like me, see and treasure the parallels between Christianity and Buddhism, two books I like:

Going Home: Jesus and Buddha as Brothers
Living Buddha, Living Christ

More thoughts about FACE legislation

2009-10-27T04:58:00.000-07:00

A commenter on my post yesterday about FACE legislation sparked these thoughts, which I should have included in that post in the first place.

Before I share my reasons for opposing this legislation, I recommend that everyone go out and read all of the following:

US Department of State: Child Citizenship Act of 2000
EACH's supporting point of view
Ethica's opposing point of view
Holt's opposing point of view
S. 1359 (introduced by Senators Landrieu and Inhofe)
H.R. 3110 (introduced by Representatives Watson and Boozman)

I want you to see this from a couple of different angles, including the language in the legislation, before I share my problems with it. They start with deficiencies in the Child Citizenship Act of 2000 (CCA 2000,) which grants citizenship to intercountry adoptees upon arrival in the US. There's a loophole in this law that excludes adoptees 18 and over which has led to adoptee deportations, as well as the death of at least one, Joao Herbert.

The fact that this loophole still exists almost ten years and numerous deportations later demonstrates a failure on the part of lawmakers to understand the adoption experience. I can think of few things that take place at the hands of our legal system as unjust as deporting someone who was brought here by Americans, raised here, whose life and family is here, and who may know absolutely nothing of the language and culture of the birth country.

FACE does nothing to correct this serious flaw. It would simply eliminate the visa process and make citizenship retroactive to birth upon finalization of an adoption. If it is to pass, there will be no overturning of adoptee deportations, no retroactive granting of citizenship to adult adoptees. ith child trafficking a real and present danger in intercountry adoption, this makes no sense.

EACH, one of the major supporters of the legislation, gives reasons like reducing adoption fees, speeding up the process and making it possible for transnational adoptees to run for president. These first two focus primarily on adoptive parent needs, but the last one really puzzles me, because it honestly seems a little silly in light of the adoptee deportations that have already taken place and are pending. It's certainly not an adoptee citizenship battle I would have picked, not here and now.

Would I like to see my children be able to run for President one day if they so choose? Of course, if that's what they want to do. But I know a whole lot of other people I'd like to see be able to do that, too - my friend Mark Keam, who is running for delegate to the Virginia House of Delegates, springs immediately to mind, and I bet you all know plenty of others. You may find yourself excluded from seeking this high office, for that matter.

I don't want to set my Korean-born children apart from Mark and others in their Korean American community. I want to redress the failures of the CCA 2000, and address the bigger picture of immigration reform, and immigrant rights and responsibilities. For this reason, I see FACE as counterproductive to the broader discussion, and believe it would set a dangerous precedent.

Holt raises important concerns having to do with respect for adoptee history, with which I agree:

By conferring citizenship retroactive to birth, FACE creates a legal fiction and diminishes adoptees' birth history
Current immigration procedures requires the preservation of child history and records by the Central Authority. Adoption information and records are regularly lost or misplaced by families requiring adoptees to seek their birth and adoption history. That information is preserved for them, but FACE would eliminate the preservation of this critical information.

In case you weren't aware of it, the Central Authority for intercountry adoption to the US is the Department of State. Take them out of the adoption process by eliminating the immigrant visa, and the risks are clear.

I'm also having difficulty understanding FACE would speed up the granting of citizenship. The CCA of 2000 grants citizenship upon arrival, which in my case pre-dates finalization (FACE's citizenship milestone) by over six months. The difference is that FACE would make the attachment of citizenship retroactive to the child's birth. If ensuring that intercountry adoptees obtain citizenship speedily is the goal, FACE is unnecessary. I think the real driver has nothing to do with this, though. I think it has to do with adoptive parent desire to make their internationally-adopted children look just like birth children in the eyes of immigration law.

Only they're not.

Please write your legislators today and urge them to oppose this legislation. When you do, remind them to plug the CCA 2000 age loophole, to overturn the adoptee deportations that have already taken place, and to grant immediate citizenship to all intercountry adoptees who were excluded by the CCA 2000.

But don't forget: Fixing the CCA of 2000 is only a part of the work we need to do to reform and improve our country's immigration laws. It's a starting point that's of particular importance to adoptive parents, but can't be where our involvement ends.

Holt Action Alert: Oppose FACE Legislation

2009-10-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Back in July, I passed on some important information from Ethica about pending legislation that will affect intercountry adoption. Holt International has begun an action alert to encourage those who oppose this legislation to make our opinions known by encouraging our legislators to oppose the proposed bill.

If you, too, are concerned about the negative impacts of FACE legislation on the adoption process, as well as its potential negative consequences for adoptees, please visit the Holt action alert page now. In addition to a clear explanation of Holt's concerns with this legislation, you will find a suggested letter that can be emailed to your legislators from the action alert page.

Join Ethica, Holt and many others and register your opposition to FACE legislation today.

Edited 10-20-09 to add: Some of you may not be comfortable using an adoption agency website to contact your legislators. You can find your representatives and senators directly on the House and Senate websites, too. It doesn't matter how you voice your concerns - it matters that you do.

And please spread the word!!

Love isn't enough

2009-10-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Love conquers all.

If you're an adoptive parent, you've probably heard or read these words before. Heck, maybe you've even said them yourself, or believed it at one time or another in your adoption journey.

I'll be honest: way back at the beginning, I believed it, too. But I learned quickly that saying the words and hoping they were true weren't enough to fulfill my responsibilities to my children. I learned that along with that love, you have to act: respect and nurture your child's connection to his or her culture and community, and work actively to end racism. I've written my thoughts about this before - here, here, here, here, and probably a few more places, too.

I've also written from time to time at Anti-Racist Parent, one of the best places on the internet for parents raising children of color to come together and discuss the issues facing them. If you're also an ARP fan, you may know already that there are, to steal ARP's own phrase, changes afoot.

Anti-Racist Parent is now Love Isn't Enough: On Raising a Family in a Colorstruck World, where many new topics will now be discussed:

We talk about race, mostly, but we also want to talk about education and self-esteem and childcare and religion and gender bias and homophobia and the things all parents, regardless of race, worry about…and how all that stuff intersects with race.

Bookmark Love Isn't Enough, and stay tuned for new discussions and more changes.

Vote for Dawn and support Ethica!

2009-10-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

Seriously busy at work and home - there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but while it's still a speck in the distance, please do me a favor:

Go over to the Bump and vote for Dawn - This Woman's Work. She's got a commanding lead, and we want to keep it that way, because if she wins the contest will donate her winnings - $1000! - to Ethica.

Dawn, you are a heck of a class act!!

Korean Mothers in the New York Times

2009-10-09T05:40:00.000-07:00

I'm falling down on the blogging job again - forgive me please! As it turns out, having both kids at school does NOT mean that life instantly becomes a day at the beach. Actually, the one who got a day at the beach is The Girl, who was told us with great glee last Sunday how she a couple of friends took at $.25 bus to the beach for an afternoon the day before. She should have told me about how hard she was working on chemistry before she told me about the beach, because I would have been a lot more likely to sympathize then.

Projects are coming out of the woodwork, not to mention the fact that The Boy came home for a long weekend last weekend and kept us hopping with fixing clothes, shopping, and cooking lessons. We made bulgogi, which he wanted to demonstrate to a bunch of friends. The only problem is that he's not sure if he can get the right kind of meat where he is, so we have to work on that. Maybe this will give Third Dad and I good reason to go down more often: We can call our visits bulgogi runs.

I suppose being really busy is better than being bored stupid and crying all the time because the kids are gone, but I'm a little surprised that I don't have more time to do stuff like write now that they're off. It also makes me realize how much wasn't getting done around here when I was writing a lot more. No wonder the place is a wreck.

Anyhow, my real reason for posting today:

Be sure to read this article in the New York Times about the ongoing struggle of single Korean mothers to stand up to Korean societal stigma. Two of my favorite people are quotes: Jane Jeong Trenka of TRACK: Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea, and Rick Boas of KUMSN: Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network.

The Korean government's illogical approach to increasing the birthrate in Korea, a subject of great national interest at the moment, is summed up clearly here:

For years, the South Korean government has worked to reduce overseas adoptions, which peaked at 8,837 in 1985. To increase adoptions at home, it provides subsidies and extra health care benefits for families that adopt, and it designated May 11 as Adoption Day.

It also spends billions of dollars a year to try to reverse the declining birthrate, subsidizing fertility treatments for married couples, for example.

“But we don’t see a campaign for unmarried mothers to raise our own children,” said Lee Mee-kyong, a 33-year-old unwed mother. “Once you become an unwed mom, you’re branded as immoral and a failure. People treat you as if you had committed a crime. You fall to the bottom rung of society.”

What is done to women the world over who commit this "crime" of bearing children while unmarried unites each and every one of us. It doesn't matter if we share the experience or not, or if we are connected to adoption in any way, or what our personal opinions are about the morality of having children outside of marriage. What matters it that once a woman is pregnant, she deserves the exact same emotional and material support that a married woman would receive. This is a woman's issue, and I hope all women will unite behind it.

Liberals, evil people & the politics of open records

2009-09-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t going to tell you about this, because I know you’re sick of how I complain about the forums. But I was reading a really good post at O Solo Mama this morning that talks about the issue of international adoption search where she mentions her forum escapades, so I feel empowered.

Yeah, I got thumped again. Not saying when or where, because I only went there to read an post that came up in a google search. The post had to do with adoptive parent involvement in adoption reform, and I made a couple of points about the fact that APs should be involved in the effort to open birth records.

A guy responded to my comment with one entitled something like "liberals vs evil people" that basically said that adoptive parents who get involved in issues like open records are a) being PC, b) must have kids with no problems, or c) put their kids second.

Whoa, partner! Let’s talk about that.

It was pretty amazing to hear someone suggest that exercising one’s civil responsibility to be socially engaged was just being "PC." It is not. We ALL should be doing this, on all kinds of issues, and can if we try. Our life responsibilities may take precedence, but it takes very little time to become educated about an issue and to support it when the opportunity arises.

I also get really frustrated with the idea that you can carve up adoption and only associate with the bits that suit you. No prospective adoptive parent should approach the adoption of a child with the attitude that they can shield themselves from parts of it as will. When we adopt, whether it be a child from within our community or from a country far away, we accept responsibility for all the issues that make up adoption today. We may try to be selective, and some of us even succeed – but at the end of the day, every adoptive parent is responsible for all of adoption, whether it touches them directly or not.

Example: I may not be an expert in attachment disorder, nor may my children have experienced this particular challenge. But I have an obligation to understand how attachment disorder weaves into adoption, and how this affects others in the adoption community. When the opportunity arises for me to use that knowledge and to direct people to the experts, I should do that. It’s part of the package.

Same with open records. Perhaps, if you’ve adopted an older child from care, you have the child’s birth information and maybe even a relationship with his or her first family. It could be easy for you to dismiss efforts to change closed records laws as unimportant. But you shouldn’t. By remaining silent on this issue, you send as strong a message as those who are working hard in the trenches, and that holds the entire effort back.

Now let’s talk about that "liberals vs evil people.” My thumper seemed to be saying that working for open birth records for adopted people was a liberal activity, and it was pretty clear he wasn’t paying me a compliment.

But think about this for a moment. We typically define conservatives as individuals who believe the government should stay out of the lives of individuals as possible, right? Now think about what happens when birth records are sealed. I'm pretty sure you can call it government intervention. Go a little further and try to think of a way in which the government intervenes in a person’s life on a more personal or fundamental level. Bet you can’t think of one, and anyway if think you do I’ll argue with you.

A person’s birth identity is about as personal as it gets. Conservatives should be all over the open records issue, and should be SCREAMING for closed records laws to be overturned.

(Wait, sorry – forgot about the disproven-a-gazillion-times-over notion that opening adoptee birth records leads to more abortions. Never mind.)

All kidding aside: Open records is an issue all adoptive parents should understand and should support.

If you believe in truth and transparency in adoption, open records is your issue.
If you believe in keeping government out of our personal business, open records is your issue.
If you believe in the right of individuals to manage their own relationships, open records is your issue.
But most of all, if you have adopted a child, open records is your issue. Because it’s simply the right thing to do for your child.

Evelyn at 3 AM, Peri at 2 PM

2009-09-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

Content removed by author.

Something I wish I'd understood about adoption

2009-09-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to catch up on about a month's worth of posts, which is pretty much impossible. In the process, I found a blog carnival at Grown in My Heart from a week ago Thursday that you should check out, although I think pretty much the entire adoption blogger community has already found it and posted. If you are with me in the .05% who haven't yet jumped in, go on over and then write your thoughts. Don't forget to link the carnival here, where you can also find links to the 50+ posts that have been added. All good stuff, I might add, every one has an insight we all should listen to.

The topic: What No One Told Me about Adoption.

I'm sure the reflective mood I'm in following The Girl's departure for college is the reason this topic is hitting so close to home. I haven't wanted to write about what I've been feeling; I said yesterday that I wanted to experience it privately, which is true. But private from whom? I've been resisting thinking and writing about that, because the answer bothers me.

I really haven't wanted to share my feelings because, for once in my parenting life, I wanted them to belong to me and my husband alone. In spite of everything I've written here about truth and transparency in adoption, I wanted The Girl all to myself.

I didn't spare a thought for her mother all weekend. I didn't think about the good-bye she was missing, or the hundreds of other hellos and good-byes she's missed throughout the years. The fact that she might have been wondering where The Girl would be going to school didn't cross my mind. I wanted this experience for me and me alone, and those feelings were powerful.

Adoption allows us to create our own truths. It makes it possible for what we know in our heads to be un-true to become real. The fortunate realize the lunacy of this and create families that include everyone in the adoptee's life, no matter the challenge of finding family members and maintaining relationships with them. Some reject reality outright and fabricate worlds that exclude even the mention of their children's parents and families.

Then there are people like me. I accept and respect and welcome the presence of my children's parents in their lives and ours; I wish we had been able to open our adoptions, in spite of the challenges I know that would have brought. But the fact that these men and women have only existed in our imaginations has led to a powerful alternate reality that we've been able to control at will. Out of sight, out of mind, out of reality, whenever we want.

Our daughter's mother may be aware of the fact that American colleges start classes in the fall, and she could very well be wondering where her daughter is going to school. Every milestone we've passed is one she may have lived through in her own imagination, though without the celebration. Yet as much as I understand this and have wanted to know this woman, I really didn't want her around as I watched my daughter take her place at college. I wanted that experience all to myself.

It was too easy. I simply didn't think about her, so she didn't exist. I could blame all kinds of influences for thinking this way, but really it comes down to me. I can conjure up a new truth whenever I need it, and last weekend I needed one that only included The Girl, Third Dad and me. I made it happen with ease. But now, with life returning to our new normal, I'd like to bring our daughter's mother back again and wish her into our family. How convenient - for me - to have that kind of control over her. But not right.

Everything I wish I'd known about adoption comes down to truth. I've always thought of the telling of truth as the accurate delivery of information; it's certainly part of the equation, but not all of it. Truth also exists in our desire to make our children's parents real to them, which takes more heart than head. In spite of the very real desire I have for my kids to know their parents, I learned with The Girl's departure just how easy it is for me to push their parents away, and claim the kids for myself. My head may have understood that all along, but clearly, my heart has its own agenda.

Accepting the quiet

2009-09-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. Please forgive me. To be honest, the milestone Third Dad and I just lived through is one I've dreaded for many years, and I needed to live through it privately.

It was both exhiliarating and incredibly sad to watch The Girl take the reins of her new campus life. Her confidence is inspiring, and allowed us to return home assured that she'll be just fine. With each report, it's clearer and clearer that she was really ready for this.

Our trip was great fun. We moved The Girl into her dorm on the afternoon of our arrival, and it went very quickly. We shopped that evening for all the stuff we couldn't bring with us (which begs the question, "How the heck will we get it back here next summer??"), giving us the following day to explore and hang out. The Girl was booked on day 3, so we took off for a visit with a friend who lives a few hours away, returning the following day for a short visit before our departure.

I had been dreading that good-bye for months. It was harder than I'd thought, but in a different way than I anticipated. I had expected a lot of tears and emotion, but there was actually little of that. Instead, there was a kind of quiet sadness that has stayed with me all week. We had a couple of hours to kill before our flight, and ended up driving aimlessly around the city. I kept hoping she'd call to tell us she'd forgotten something, could we bring it to her? But no, there was no call.

I know that that's as it should be. It's time for us to release the reins and let her go, just as we did her brother. He, however, is a short drive away; matter of fact, we'll be seeing him in a week or so, to bring down a couple of things he didn't bring when he moved into his townhouse in August. It's very comforting to know that if I wake up any morning and want to see him, all it will take is a couple of hours in the car to make that happen.

But The Girl's on the other side of the country. Trips home will be few and far between; the current plan is that she won't be home until December. That makes this harder - that and the fact that she's the youngest.

You know what was interesting about all of this? How far from adoption this particular experience has been. There are a million connections to adoption I could be making, and probably will be making soon, but they simply weren't there while we lived it.

For these few days, I was just another mom watching her baby take important steps toward adulthood. The Girl took them in great strides, with one quick look over her shoulder to smile a last good-bye.

We watched until the little figure we've loved all these years walked into the distance and out of our view. As she faded at last into a tiny speck in the crowd, what I felt most of all was emptiness.

Which makes sense, of course. She had taken my heart with her.

Remembering Stanley L. Temple

2009-09-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

I first posted this on September 11, 2006 as part of the 2996 Project. Today, my thoughts are again with the victims, the survivors and their families and friends.

Here is what I know of you:
Stanley L. Temple
77
New
York, NY
United States
World Trade Center
In all the memorial sites and the newspaper articles, there are no memorials to you. No family members and friends write of your life, no obituaries mark your birth and
passing, your work, or those you left behind. Where the click of other names leads to smiling photographs and poignant tributes, broken links follow your name, or the simple words of school children and respectful condolences of strangers.
Like this, from Sindy:

I seen that no one has wrote u and it made me feel so bad. I hope that u are in a better place now. And I hope that ur family are recovering as best as they can. May God bless u and ur family.
Or this, from Kasy Jo:

iam so sorry you were a victim hope your family doing well. iam sure you werea great person. and iam sorrythat happend to you and your family.

god be with you always
Or this, from Kaitlyn:

Dear family of Stanley L. Temple, At my church today we prayed for your family and read your husband/dad's name to each other and thought about every person that lost their life's on this very terrifing day. With much love, kaitlyn:)
Nothing more. You are a mystery.

But there are some things I think I can know just from your name and age. You were born in the twenties, a child of the Great Depression, one of the Greatest Generation. It is likely you served your country in World War II or Korea, as you would have been a teenager at the start of the first war, a young man at the finish of the second. Perhaps you loved a wife and raised a family in New York when the wars were over, and watched your children grow to adulthood through the turbulence of the 60s and 70s. Having lived to 77, you certainly worked, perhaps at your heart's vocation, perhaps just to pay the bills. And you had dreams. I know you had dreams.

As I write this I like to think that your last day was spent in the tower viewing the city from the observation deck, enjoying the peace of retirement in a favorite place. I like to think that somewhere in New York your family and friends think of you now, sad that you are gone, but filled with memories of a long life well lived.

I remember you. Our country remembers you. And although the details of your life are a mystery, we mourn your loss as deeply as if you were our father, or brother, or son.

On September 13, 2006, an anonymous comment appeared on the original post:

I did not know Stanley personally, but worked as an employee of the City of New York to assist his family in obtaining a death certificate in the wake of the Trade Center disaster. Stanley worked shining shoes for the employees of Cantor Fitzgerald. He was not on their payroll, but his presence and employment was verified by enough surviving employees of Cantor Fitzgerald that his family was, after some wait, able to obtain a death certificate without the three-year wait usually required in case of a missing person. I don't know if his sister will see this tribute, but it's lovely to know it's out there. Thank you.

And then, on September 11, 2007, I found this remembrance on another tribute site:

I came across this page in remembrance of the 9/11 tragedy, and saw that no family members had left no response. I'm really hurt to see that that has happen because I know you have family in New York and Virginia. I tried many times but to no avail to find out what happen to you. Even today I cant get the respond needed. I only hope your loves did the right thing. For now I truly know that you are at peace with your loveing wife Margret for I personally will truely miss and be hurt at the phone conversation we had about not visiting you more often when she passed.

In loving remembrance
Your Godson
Harry

Don't Misses 9-9-09

2009-09-09T08:49:00.000-07:00

Couldn't pass the opportunity to blog on this auspicious date. At least I hope it's auspicious.

I'm totally disconnected from my online life - just too much happening in real life at the moment, notably final preparation for bringing The Girl out to college next week. Between the unbearable thought of an empty nest, the torture of the unending paperwork, and a few other emotional speed bumps (mostly related to my recent age milestone and the realization that my baby is joining her big brother and flying the coop), I just don't have the energy to write. All it would be is whining. Maybe I'll whine a little over at the other blog, but not here.

Instead of writing, I've had the energy to clean. It's really strange, actually, kind of like the intersection of a desire to start fresh and one that wants to turn the clock back (although I didn't give in to the overwhelming urge to watch old videos of this kids over the long holiday weekend). I spent all day Thursday thinking it was 2007 - seriously, couldn't figure out why a 6-year contract that started last month wasn't expiring in 2013. That has alternated with a desire to clean house. I started in the garage, then our bedroom, and ended yesterday by shredding three trash-bag-fulls of old paper.

The only recent blog reading I've done recently brought me to an interesting Newsweek article on September 5: See Baby Discriminate. It's about a 2006 University of Texas study into whether or not multicultural videos had an effect on children's racial attitudes. The results are fascinating, as are many of the reactions to the article. A blog search of researcher Birgitte Vittrup's name will give you lots of reading to do on the subject.

While you're thinking about the development of racial attitudes during childhood, be sure to follow the series on race and education that's on this month at Anti-Racist Parent - topics so far include:

Teaching not preaching by Jennifer of Mixed Race America
Back to (home) school by Dawn Friedman
From “Chinese eyes” to Asian American by yours truly, and based on an experience I had when my son was in kindergarten

Check ARP throughout the month for more.

Terminating an adoption

2009-08-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

Content removed by author.

Don't Misses 8-24-09

2009-08-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

Since the summer heat and breakneck pace of my life at the moment have rendered me pretty much speechless on the subject of adoption, the very least I can do for you all is share the things that have crossed my path recently.

Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network

It's exciting to announce that the Korean Unwed Mothers Support Network founded by Dr. Richard Boas has launched its website. The organization, which provides assistance to Korean women seeking to parent their children and information to the world about their experience, has been working toward a public presence since its inception. Please bookmark it and share the news. Kudos and congratulations to the entire staff of KUMSN, and to the women who have bravely come forward to share their stories and support others.

Fugitive Visions: An Adoptee's Return to Korea

I've clearly been asleep at the wheel for awhile, because it somehow had slipped past me that Jane Jeong Trenka was working on a new book. Fortunately, I got the word as soon as it was released, and received my copy last week. This book is very different from Jane's memoir The Language of Blood and Outsiders Within, the collection of essays on transracial and international adoption on which Jane collaborated. This book is personal, but in a more compelling, intriguing way. I've just begun, but am hooked.

Link to Alison Larkin's interview on Strategy Room

2009-08-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone, I haven't fallen off the earth - just a lot going on with the kids.

In case you didn't see it yesterday, click here to see the interview Alison Larkin gave on Fox Strategy Room yesterday. It was really good, so spread it far and wide! I love the way Uma Pemmaraju asked to keep in touch with Alison at the end of the interview (I hope that part is in this video) - it's good to have allies in the media!

Thanks for giving the interview, Alison, you were great!

Hiatus for a little longer

2009-08-10T04:48:00.000-07:00

There's a reason for my hiatus: The paperwork to make The Girl's college experience possible is overwhelming, and The Boy has been getting ready to move into his new townhouse. Today's the day; we're packed and will be leaving shortly.

Back soon, I hope.

Welcome home, Euna and Laura!

2009-08-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

This video brings tears to my eyes. Of course the politicians are debating the wisdom of Bill's visit, along with all the diplomatic implications, but as a mom I can tell you that I'm glad someone was willing to bring Euna Lee and Laura Ling home.

Welcome home, Euna and Laura!!

Euna Lee and Laura Ling pardoned

2009-08-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

Great news! Euna Lee and Laura Ling are coming home!!!

Missing KAAN already

2009-08-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

KAAN was great. Wish I was still there, wish there were more sessions and more time to catch up.

I especially wish there was more time to watch The Girl - she was terrific. She and I did a session (email me if you'd like a copy of the handout), and I loved hearing her voice. She's tremendously self-assured. Her speech at dinner on Saturday was great, I was incredibly proud of her. Plus, she was asked last week to fill in and do a taekwondo session on Sunday, which went very well.

We got back late last night, I'm up to my eyeballs at work, but I'll be sharing my thoughts in the coming days and weeks.

Meanwhile, mark your calendars:

KAAN 2010
Hershey, PA -> Great family vacation spot!
July 23rd - 25th, 2010

Details to follow soon at the KAAN Conference website.

Heading to KAAN

2009-07-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

It's in Denver this year. The Girl and I are going, and I can't wait - to see my friends, for the always-terrific sessions, and for those late night sessions at the bar.

I'll try to post from there, but if I don't you can bet I'm having a good time. I've got a lot to post about when I return.

For the moment, I'll leave you with this: Welcome House has announced that they've received confirmation from Holt that adoption from Korea will stop at the end of 2012. I'll see if the representatives of the Korean agencies who are attending KAAn have more information.

ARD: From Philly 2009 to Louisville 2010

2009-07-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

Reports, photos and videos from the Adoptee Rights Demonstration in Philly on July 21 are starting to come online from all over. Kudos to everyone who worked on and/or attended the demonstration and helped to make it the success it clearly was!

Next year's ARD will be in Louisville during the week of July 19th. It's not too early to start spreading the word or planning to attend. My goal is to be there with a group of adoptive parents to send the word that we support the right of adopted people to equal access to their original birth certificates.

Start here, at the Adoptee Rights Demonstration blog, where you'll find all kinds of links to reports, photos and blogs. Also check out the ARD Philly YouTube page and the Adoptee Rights Philly Facebook page. There will be more reports over time, so check frequently.

ARD needs our help to kick things off for next year's Adoptee Rights Demo, which will take place in Louisville, Kentucky during the week of July 19, 2010. Visit the YouTube page From NOLA to Philly - The Adoptee Rights Demonstrations and do three things:

* Watch the video
* Add it to your YouTube favorites
* Add a comment

These will help push the video to the front of YouTube's non-profits page, which will in turn spread the word about the cause. Please spread the word, too - on your websites and blogs, with the organizations you belong to, and with your friends! APs, while you're at it, join the Facebook group Adoptive Parents for Open Records to show your support for the open records cause.

The facts, ma'am, nothing but the facts

2009-07-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

More thoughts on the Gates arrest, prompted by the ongoing news and comments by the loquacious BWaters over here.

This particular commenter voiced about the facts, quoted a line or two from the police report and reminded me to read what the witnesses had to say. Interestingly, however, BWaters failed to include Dr. Gates' own account as a possible source of information about this case. I therefore suggest you read them both - here's the police report, and here's Dr. Gates' account.

As for the eyewitness accounts: Just google the Gates case and read them at your own risk. As pretty much everyone (except apparently BWaters) knows, eyewitness accounts are not always reliable and have contributed to wrongful arrests and convictions.

This case definitely has me thinking - about what happened to Dr. Gates, about people's reactions to it, and about where the dialog might take us. I'm going to be dead honest with you: it's depressing to read how many people refuse to see race as a factor in this situation, or argue that racism exists at all. It's frankly shocking (and an example of white privilege at its finest) to see comments that ignore the history of police mistreatment of people of color, suggest that a black man wouldn't react differently to the presence of the police on his doorstep than a white man would, and confuse obnoxiousness with criminal behavior.

It's just plain ridiculous that someone would believe that giving Reggie Lewis CPR proves anything related to this event at all.

Also, a couple of clarifications:

As the title of my first post indicated, I believe racism is at the root of what happened to Dr. Gates. However, readers and commenters beware: I say nowhere in that post, nor do I believe, that Sgt. Crowley's personal attitudes toward race are the issue, and comments here that make that accusation will be deleted. Racism can become so institutionalized that, in spite of protestations to the contrary, we are all capable of racist behaviors. I believe the set of circumstances that led to Dr. Gates arrest triggered just such an outcome.

I'm not sure "racial profiling" is the correct term to describe it, however, although Dr. Gates does in his account.

No explanation but racism

2009-07-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

Edited 7-23-09 to add:

I'm scratching my head at why the majority of commenters seem to purposely miss this fact:

Professor Gates was ARRESTED - not warned, not admonished, but ARRESTED - IN HIS OWN HOME AFTER DISPLAYING THE IDENTIFICATION REQUESTED BY THE POLICE. There may or may not be racial overtones to the fact that someone called the cops on him, but that's not the point. The point is that in spite of the fact that he had proved to the police that he was in his own home, they arrested him.

I've been trying to put myself in a similar situation, but it's hard. Because I'm white, and have never been questioned about my place in my neighborhood, I don't know if I'd immediately turn to anger as a response. But I do know it's out of the realm of my reality that a cop would arrest me once I'd proved my place there. An admonishment or warning - yes; an arrest - no.

Another commenter said this: "If a suspect, be they black or white, gets in the face of an officer, he's going to get arrested, no matter who he has proven himself to be." For which crime was Professor Gates a suspect after he provided his ID, which is when the arrest took place? At that point, decorum and decibels were irrelevant and the police should have apologized and gone on their way. Richard Weinblatt, director of the Institute for Public Safety at Central Ohio Technical College, points out on his blog:

Bottom line: while the officer was justified in investigating a crime, he stated in his report that he was satisfied that the occupant, Professor Gates, was legally allowed to be there and that no further danger was present. That, from a law enforcement perspective, is THE key phrase. It was at that point he should have left. This became a battle of competing egos.

I think a refresher of Peggy McIntosh's White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack is in order. To those of you who are trolling for posts that share my opinion onto which to drop your comments: read that first.

* * * * * * *

Just back from a short vacation, but while I'm catching up, please go read this, along with the other reports on the arrest of Henry Louis Gates Jr., director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African-American Research at Harvard University and PBS documentarian.

The charge: "loud and tumultuous behavior in a public space." Only Gates was in his own home in broad daylight.

The catalyst for the charge: "a call about a potential break-in at his home that was phoned in by a white woman."

I don't have the energy to read all the (mostly stupid) comments following the article, because I'm just plain sick to death of people rationalizing situations like this. This is racial profiling. Period.

Attention KAAN Conference attendees: Don't miss the session White Privilege: A User's Guide with John Raible, Jen Hilzinger and Mark Hagland.

Ethica positions on pending international adoption legislation

2009-07-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

Legislative updates from Ethica. Read the legislation (I need to do the same), and voice your opinions, which may or may not echo Ethica's. If you're on Facebook, a Facebook group has been formed in opposition to the FACE Act.

International Adoption — Ethica’s Positions on Pending Legislation
July 8, 2009

Ethica urges you to read these bills in their entirety. Do you share Ethica’s concerns about these bills? It’s important that Committee members hear YOUR voice. Contact info for each of the bills is below.

To reach your Representative or Senator, go to the House or Senate websites and locate your member by zip code or state. To find your zip+4 zip code, go to the US Postal Service website.

Senate Bill 1376

Sponsored by Sen Amy Klobuchar (MN), Senator Durbin (IL), Senator Feingold (WI), Sen Inhofe (OK), and Sen Landrieu (LA)

A bill to restore immunization and sibling age exemptions for children adopted by United States citizens under the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption to allow their admission to the United States.

Ethica supports the passage of this bill.

Ethica believes the immunization waiver was intended in original legislation but was left out by oversight.
Ethica believes that the health risks a child faces by the current immunization requirements are greater than the public health risk that such a requirement serves to protect.
The previous guidelines requiring parents to vaccinate upon return to the US provided a safe, medically supportive protocol without public health implications for the 12 years it was enacted. This is still the protocol used for non-Hague adoptions.
This immigrant class is the only class that does not contain a vaccine exemption option.
Ethica supports the sibling age exemption increase to age 18 for children who are part of qualified sibling groups adopted within the same family as is the case for non-Hague adoptions. We believe this, too, was an unintended oversight in amending Immigration and Nationality Act. Ethica believes that siblings should remain together whenever possible.

This bill will be considered by the Senate Judiciary Committee. To contact them to voice your opinion on this bill, call 202-224-7703 (Democrats) or 202-224-5225 (Republicans). To find members of the committee who would be happy to hear your opinion: http://judiciary.senate.gov/about/members.cfm

House Bill 3070 Families for Orphans Act

Sponsored by Congresswoman Diane Watson (D-CA) and Congressman John Boozman (R-AR)

A bill to encourage the development and implementation of a comprehensive, global strategy for the preservation and reunification of families and the provision of permanent parental care for orphans, and for other purposes.

Ethica opposes passage of the Families for Orphans Act.

The Families for Orphans Act, if passed, would give the United States unilateral power to develop global child welfare strategies by providing financial incentives for other countries (including through debt and trade relief) to send their children abroad for international adoption.
Instead, the United States should be participating diplomatically with other nations in developing global child welfare strategies, for example, by finally ratifying the United Nations Convention of the Rights of the Child.
The bill legalizes an overly broad definition of “orphan”, capturing countless numbers of children who already have loving families, potentially including, for example, children who reside in boarding schools away from their primary caregivers.
This bill augments existing financial incentives for countries to favor international adoption by offering additional financial incentives, including technical assistance, grants, trade, and debt relief from the United States, which may sacrifice established child welfare principles by favoring international adoption over local solutions.
Reunification efforts are “time-limited” which may cause original families to be unnecessarily separated from their children.
Conflicts exist with various definitions in the bill. For example, long-term kinship and guardianship arrangements which are considered “permanent” care under the bill may simultaneously be considered long-term foster care arrangements, which are considered to be temporary care under the bill.
The bill requires “cultural norms” to be taken into account, but only to the extent consistent with the purposes of the bill. The bill permits the United States then to essentially disregard a country’s cultural norms.

Ethica supports the strengthening of global child welfare systems. However, we believe that this would best be accomplished by working through existing frameworks of technical assistance and aid, ratifying the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child to demonstrate the commitment of the United States as a global partner in securing and upholding children’s basic rights, limiting the definition of orphans to those children truly in need of permanent caregivers with placement decisions made without the influence of money.

The House Committee on Foreign Affairs will first debate this bill. They can be reached at the following location for your feedback:
Phone: (202) 225-5021
Email: http://foreignaffairs.house.gov/contact.asp

Members on the Committee who are also available to hear your opinions: http://foreignaffairs.house.gov/members.asp

Foreign Adopted Children Equality Act (FACE Act)

Introduced in the Senate as S. 1359 (Senators Landrieu and Inhofe) and in the House as H.R. 3110 (Rep. Watson and Boozman)

A bill to provide United States citizenship for children adopted from outside the United States, and for other purposes.

Ethica opposes passage of the FACE Act. Ethica believes the FACE Act, if passed, would harm adopted persons and their birth- and adoptive families in a number of ways, including:

The bill is intended to eliminate the U.S. immigrant visa process, which means it eliminates the safeguards put in place to help ensure that children placed for adoption are legally in need of homes abroad
By conferring citizenship retroactive to birth, Ethica believes the bill creates a legal fiction and diminishes adoptees’ birth history
While eliminating the visa process may save adopting families a small amount of money toward the large costs of adopting, there is no guarantee that the Department of State will not charge similar or even higher fees for services it will provide under this bill.
The bill may create additional hurdles and costs for adopted persons in the future as they attempt to claim benefits and privileges they are otherwise entitled to in their countries of birth
Eligibility for adoption of a particular child is generally determined by the “competent authority” of the child’s country of origin. The bill does not address eligibility for adoption in countries that have not designated a competent authority
The suitability of the adopting parent is based on the person’s ability to support the child and appropriate criminal background checks. The bill does not address existing federal requirements for homestudies of prospective adopting parents.
Enacting this bill may stall adoptions in process: It is unclear how this bill will affect provisions of the Intercountry Adoption Act (which implemented the Hague Convention). Instead of speeding up processing by bypassing the visa system, confusion in interpretation and the development of new processing procedures, particularly for Hague countries, will likely create delays for adopting families and children.
Ethica believes that adoptees and other immigrants should be able to become President, but pursuing the right to presidency should be done in a way that does not erase personal histories.
Ethica also wholeheartedly agrees that citizenship procedures should be improved for adoptees, and believes that adoptees not covered under the Child Citizenship Act (including adopted persons who have been deported) should be conferred U.S. citizenship. However, this bill goes far beyond these measures and has the potential to hurt more than help.

This bill is being considered in two committees in the House of Representatives and one committee in the U.S. Senate:

In the House:

House Committee on Foreign Affairs
Phone: (202) 225-5021
Email: http://foreignaffairs.house.gov/contact.asp
Members on the Committee who are also available to hear your opinions: http://foreignaffairs.house.gov/members.asp

House Judiciary Committee:
Phone: 202-225-3951
Find members of the committee who would be happy to hear your opinions: http://judiciary.house.gov/about/members.html

In the Senate:

Senate Judiciary Committee
Phone: 202-224-7703 (Democrats) or 202-224-5225 (Republicans)
To find members of the committee who would be happy to hear your opinion: http://judiciary.senate.gov/about/members.cfm

KAAN Early Registration Extended to July 15th

2009-07-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

Please spread the word - and come to the conference!!

Don't miss what promises to be a great experience this summer! It's the annual KAAN Conference for adult Korean adoptees, adoptive families, and Korean Americans.

Sheraton Denver Hotel
Denver, Colorado
July 31 - August 2, 2009

This 11th Annual KAAN Conference uniquely brings together all the member groups around Korean adoption. This year's conference will be held at the Sheraton Denver Hotel in Denver, Colorado from July 31st through August 2nd. It promises the best sessions ever.

For example, Carissa Woodwyk, an adult Korean adoptee who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has authored the book Before You Were Mine will talk in a keynote address about the impact of relinquishment on adoptees' psyches; an adult adoptee and a relative by family association will discuss Family Labels and Language and talk about what it means to have to explain one's family on a regular basis; and, in an adult-adoptees-only session, adult adoptees will discuss the face and body image issues that many experience in the session Why I Don't Like My Face. In Meeting a Korean Birthmother and Birthfather, attendees will hear the story of a Korean mother and father who placed their child, have been reunited, and now live in the U.S. Adult adoptees will also be able to come together on the evening of Friday July 31st for an adult-adoptees-and-their-guests-only dinner. Special tracks for kids and teens round out the schedule.

KAAN understands that the economy poses a special challenge this year to individuals and families who would like to attend. The good news is that early-bird registration has been extended through July 15. At only $199 for a Friday evening through Sunday mid-day event, the conference remains an extremely reasonably priced event for anyone with experience around Korean adoption. Partial registration is also possible, and reasonable airfares are available.

For more information and to register, go to the KAAN Conference website at:
http://www.kaanconference.com/

See you in Denver!

I hate reading things like this

2009-07-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

This makes me heartsick. I hate this disease, I really do. I hate thinking of the people it has taken. And I hate thinking that it will take many more before a cure is found.

In the meantime, the best hope for many leukemia sufferers is bone marrow transplant. For the best possible outcome, you need a match, a really close match. The best chance of that comes from biological family members, but of course for an adopted person this may not be possible.

For this reason, we need lots and lots of people of all ethnicities and races need to step up to the plate and register to be bone marrow donors. Registering is easy - a swab, some paperwork, and you're done. Actually donating marrow is harder, but the possibility of saving a life outweighs the risk and discomfort. Ask anyone who has been a match, and I'm sure they'll agree.

So please, please register. You can learn more here:

Asian American Donor Program
Asians for Miracle Matches
National Marrow Donor Program
The Caitlin Raymond International Registry
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society

If you've already registered, you can do more: Sponsor a marrow registration drive at your workplace or an event. Give dollars. And stand up for adoptee rights. Opening records gives adopted people at least a fighting chance of finding a relative whose marrow might save their life, should that need arise.

There are no guarantees with this disease. Even with a match, it may win. But to deny an individual the opportunity of even trying to fight it with a family member's marrow?

That's just wrong.

First-hand joy, second-hand pain

2009-06-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

I added a comment on the subject of the following post to the incredible discussion over here, but I think it warrants its own post, too, because it's a little complicated. But before I go there, I have to say that that discussion did my soul a lot - I mean, A LOT - of good. Amazing. Thank you.

If you haven't read the post and comments, you'll need to for context. One commenter asked a really good question about my analogy and the logic I used to get there:

But I do wonder, from the side of a first/natural parent - when a aparents do understand and grasp the "other" feelings of adoption that exist for adoptees and first/natrual moms, can they ever truly really turn off that light with no reminder of the other truths that exist.

The commenter is absolutely right that I can never really escape the reality of adoption pain. The fact that I'm still here talking about adoption after all the ups and downs I've experienced in adoption-blogland kind of proves it. But for me, anyway, there is a switch, so let me explain in a little more detail how it works in my life.

I live adoption two ways. I live it through my own adoption journey: the story of how my husband and I decided to adopt, how we chose to adopt from Korea, our homestudy, the legal process we followed, the waiting, the arrivals, and parenting. That journey is one that is marked by sadness and joy, sometimes for reasons that really have nothing to do with adoption itself, like infertility. But given the outcome - my two incredible kids - adoption has been and is a joyful experience for me, one that has completed me, rather than causing division and separation.

As a parent always feels what their children feel, I also live adoption through my children's experiences. When adoption brings them pain, there's no question that I feel it. I try to understand the pain adoption has brought my children's parents, too. But in both cases, I feel this pain second-hand, maybe even third-hand in the case of my children's parents, because I have no access to them and can't even hear them tell their own stories. No matter the degree, the point is that I can talk about what I think they are feeling, write about it, and even experience it - but never the same way they do, never in the context of a personal experience.

For example, I can go to the doctor and fill out a medical form without a thought. If I don't know the answer to a specific question, it's only because someone in the family doesn't know, not because law and practice have blocked it from me. I can therefore choose whether or not to acknowledge my children's pain at having to write Unknown down the page, or I can tell myself it's really no big deal. I can make a conscious decision to flip that switch one way or another.

Same thing about my children's parents' experiences. When someone asks me how many kids I have, the question doesn't cause me pain and I don't think twice to answer. I can choose to remember how hard it must be for someone to have to weigh that answer, or I can downplay that pain. Again, I can choose whether to flip the switch or not.

Like I said before, I can escape. Which is why I shouldn't.

Hope this clarifies rather than making it all murkier. It is, after all, Monday morning and I'm only on my first cup of coffee.

Breakfast with Skito

2009-06-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

I just enjoyed one of the nicest mornings I've had in a long time. I had breakfast with Susan Ito and her husband John!

I've respected Susan for a long time for her work in the adoption community. She devotes a considerable amount of time to PACT Camp, is co-editor of A Ghost at Heart's Edge: Stories and Poems of Adoption, and is a strong voice for ethical adoption. But Susan is a really neat person on many other fronts, too - you may also know her from her column Life in the Sandwich at Literary Mama and her other writing.

I got to know Susan from her blog and from my (really pathetic) participation in one of her online writing classes, which I enjoyed immensely in spite of the fact that I was a terrible student. Susan was extremely patient with my feeble attempts, as well as encouraging. She's a wonderful teacher.

Being now able to say I've met her in real life, I can also say she's just plain fun, as is John. Over coffee and egg sandwiches at a little Alexandria cafe, we talked about family and life, and shared our thoughts on society today. I like the way Susan and John think, probably because we clearly shared the same opinions on pretty much everything we talked about.

Susan, John, thanks for touching base and taking time out of your weekend to get together. I enjoyed it immensely and can't wait for the next time! Safe travels home!!

Make a statement and support ARD

2009-06-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Wardrobe must-haves that support an important cause:

Denied OBC t-shirts in many styles and colors. I like the green, which ARD asks supporters to wear on July 21, the day of the Adoptee Rights Demonstration in Philadelphia.

All kinds of ARD products. I LOVE the bib, and you bet my kids would each have one if they still wore bibs.

Which in spite of their ages, they sometimes should.

Now go shopping!!

Light switch

2009-06-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

And I hope I don’t tangle myself up any more than I already am in the process of trying to explain my thoughts on one the comments on that last post.

I didn’t mean to dismiss or diminish the experiences of any of the adoptive parents by suggesting that APs can walk away from adoption more easily than adopted people or first parents. But I think it’s fair to say a couple of things that differentiate our journeys from those of adopted people and first parents, which make it possible for us to catch our breath from time to time.

At the top of the list are the facts that a) unless we happen to have been adopted ourselves, we aren’t blocked by law from our own identities (people, this is huge!!!) and b) we chose adoption. I mean REALLY chose it. No adoptive parent wakes up one morning to discover they’re in the middle of a homestudy. We research, we weigh options, and we decide. The way I see it, with any conscious decision comes responsibility. When, years after our decision has brought a child into our family , adoption becomes a presence in our lives (even if we don’t want it to be,) so be it. It was our choice.

Some of you might be thinking to yourselves, Well, what’s different about first parents? They made the decision to put themselves at risk for pregnancy, so they should have to bear the same responsibility.

In the mainstream, adoptive parents can be pretty sure they’ll be praised for their actions. You’ve done such a wonderful thing! Your children are so lucky! The message for most young unmarried men and women is often quite different: Do the right thing for your baby, let him grow up with two parents. How can you possibly support a child at your age? Adoption becomes a temporary path of least resistance, rather than a conscious, enlightened choice. And there's seldom a mention of the grief that's sure to follow.

As for adoptees: They have absolutely no choice of ANY kind in the matter of adoption and are then relegated to second-class citizen by our legal system. It's second nature to me to know my ethnic background and family history; every time I talk to my Mom on the phone, we end up talking about Grandma or Aunt So-and-So, or what happened to the family when they came from the Old Country. I think of that every time one of the kids brings me a medical form that needs to be filled out. I cringe when I see the long list of questions asking them for details about people they don't and may never know. It makes my heart ache to imagine them having to say to a doctor I don’t know, I was adopted. Yes, there are other circumstances in which people lose their family history, but that's no justification for inflicting the same on adopted people. It's just wrong.

The net of it is that adoption becomes a very different presence in the lives of adoptive parents, first parents and adopted people. And this is why I think we APs can take a break from adoption more easily than adopted people and first parents. It's kind of like turning a light switch on and off. When the light is on, it can be blinding, painful even. But then you flick the switch and get a bit of respite. But for many adoptees and first parents, the switch is gone. No matter what you do, the light is there in your eyes, pervading your life. Even if it's painful, there's no escaping it.

I can escape. And that's why I shouldn't.

You are correct

2009-06-23T06:06:00.000-07:00

As several of you have pointed out via email, I haven't run clean away. There is actually a reason.

My anger over the comment that made me so mad has subsided; I do tend to blow up and then get over it fast, it's a really bad habit. In the process of chewing on all of this, I remembered something that I've preached here more than once: Only adoptive parents have the luxury of running away from adoption issues. Mothers who grieve for the children they lost and adopted people who yearn to know their origins get no respite from adoption. Yes, only adoptive parents, like me, can say we're sick of the nastiness and walk away.

*hangs head in shame*

I honestly don't have much to say right now because we've been locked in the throes of The Girl's graduation (which I've talked about at the other blog). But I'll leave this blog up and maybe one day will feel like writing something again here. And I'll pass on information as it comes to me.

Stand strong against hate

2009-06-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

There was a piece on hate crimes on WAMU this morning that explained very clearly why we're seeing a rise in such crimes at the moment. I can't find it online yet, but you can check.

Someone (didn't catch the name) was quoted as saying we're in a "perfect storm" of reasons for this: the election of our first African American president, the economic crisis, broken immigration laws, and the availability of internet communication. It makes perfect sense to me, and also gives a reason for us to be more vigilant than ever against the groups and individuals who believe this way. The murder at the Holocaust Museum is proof positive.

After that tragic event, I decided I needed to educate myself better about hate groups and crimes, and turned to the internet to do so. In the process, I found a hate group map on the Southern Poverty Law Center website. There are 26 hate groups documented for my state alone. Twenty-six. I’m sure there are even more, as I suspect there are many smaller and less organized ones. It makes my blood run cold.

In digging around the SPLC website I also found good anti-hate resources: tons of information, a blog, and a site where you can Stand Strong Against Hate. I added myself to the map, and encourage you to do the same. I also encourage you to add the button to your websites, with a link back to Stand Strong Against Hate - mine's over there on the right.

It will take a lot more than this to stop hate groups, but publicly voicing your opinion is a good start. Learning who the hate groups are in your area is another. Speaking out against them when you have the opportunity is another, too.

Let's just do it. Because the time for these groups to fade into the sunset is now.